


Sandcastles

by Goodonesgo



Category: Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: 18+, Affairs, Broken marriage, Cheating, Drama, Emotions, Explicit Language, F/M, I'm going to add smut later, Lemonade Inspired, Love, Sebastian Stan - Freeform, Smut, Smutty, Suspected Cheating, Turbulent, Yas, cursing, detailed sex, marriages, mature - Freeform, mature content, mature language, please of age, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-19 09:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8200150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goodonesgo/pseuds/Goodonesgo
Summary: After being married for 12 years (unnamed) OFC discovers some shady things coming from her husband. Her life is turned upside down and it is up to her to decide what to do for her future.





	1. 3AM

**Author's Note:**

> This is something different than what I usually write! I wanted to convey an emotion women have felt before. Very inspired by Lemonade and also just watching real life experiences around me. Hence the title to the story. Hope you enjoy it. I might add more to this story.

 

“Hey baby,” Chris walked into the beautiful New England styled home we both shared. “It’s 4AM. Why are you up?”

I sighed relaxing my muscles while sitting on the couch in the our living room. Knowing I had to play the conversation right. “You didn’t get any of my messages?”

“Oh, you know my phone must of been on silent.” He walked towards me, leaning down to give my cheek a kiss.

I felt myself tense up at his touch. The smell of his cologne no longer lingered on his skin. Instead he smelt of dirty flowers. Still sweet but wrong.

“Chris, it’s 4AM.”

“…What’s the big deal? You never usually get upset if I go out and come back late.”

Chris and I had been together for a wonderful 12 years. I was a young 'aspiring’ actress when we first met. Chris was much older than me. Needless to say we've seen some ugly times and some good times from our relationship. Still managing to stick it out. I remembered the time people judged our age difference, or question whether we were together or not. Being private under limelight was hard to achieve but we did it. Now after years of being together, we’ve both achieved what we wanted in our careers and our relationship. A beautiful colonial house on the east coast, white picket fence, two beautiful children and a dog. Everything was so perfect…

Everything looked so perfect but I felt so wrong inside. I couldn’t shake my negative feelings…

_Is he cheating on me?_

 

* * *

  

“Where were you?”

“Out with the guys,” He said sitting next to my feet, starring at the flat screen T.V.

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“What’s up with you?” He answered in such still aired tone. Clearly, defensive and annoyed.

“Just answer the question.”

“You’re acting really crazy.” He got up, walking to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge.

“Just answer the question,” I stood up from the couch, staring him down.

He stared at me, looking frustrated as ever, clearly debating something in his mind. I couldn’t decide if he was going to stand up for himself or make up a lie. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I felt like I was being crazy.

**Doesn’t mean I’m not right.**

“Unless one of your boys is wearing floral perfume and smells of sex. You weren’t out with the guys.”

His eyes widen. “Wow. _You’re crazy_.”

“Then why the fuck are you out past 3AM?”

“I was out with the guys!”

This time he was yelling. Luckily both our children were at sleep overs and didn’t have to hear this argument. Frustrated, angry, hurt, confused and on the verge of tears. I found my legs running up the stairs away from him.

“ _There’s nothing open at 3AM but legs!_ ” I screamed at the top of the stairs, slamming our bedroom door.

 

* * *

 

After 20 minutes of silence and tears streaming down my face. I sat on the floor of our master bathroom. Tissue after tissue. I hated feeling this way. I hated the insecurity my heart felt. I shut my eyes, letting the endless tears fall and then I heard him come in.

He stood in front of the bathroom door. Head hanging low before he looked at me. I looked back him, I could see the guilt in his eyes. I could see that he lied.

“Just tell me the truth.”

He stayed silent, his eyes glazed and pierced through me at the same time.

I felt even more frustrated than before and shook my head.

“I knew it.”

I got up brushing past him and began gathering some of my things.

“Don’t leave,” he said firmly breaking his silence.

“… I have to.” Adamantly, I took what I could. Not even sure if I had everything I needed. I didn’t care, I had to get out of the that house. I raced down the stairs with him right behind me. He raced towards the front door blocking my way. I clutched my keys in my hands.

“Move.”

“No.”

“Get out of my way!” I screamed. The tears began to form again. Chris rushes to hold me and I push and try to push him away but he is too strong. “Get off of me!” I struggled and realize there was no use.

“How many times Chris?’

He didn’t respond.

“ _How many times?_ ”

He still didn’t respond.

I could feel the pit of my stomach twirl. Was it that bad? That he couldn’t even give me answer? I noticed then, he began to cry on my shoulder, loosening his grip. I rushed past him, out the door and ran to the car.

I had to leave. I know running away wasn’t the right answer but I had to go. Because I knew. I knew what he had done and I knew he was guilty.

 


	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Reader finally talk after she discovers his wrong doings. This is the angry phase of the hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SO I decided to add more. Thanks for reading it so far... I love emotions! Haha. I wanted you guys feel the anger swelling from this sort of heart break. I hope I got my message across. More to come. There are a good amount of cursing so don't say I didn't worn ya! 
> 
>  

**Fourth of July**

  
By tradition my family and I have spent the 4th of July at my parents home in Connecticut. They lived on the beach. My mother insisted I visited. She said it would ‘ _good for the family_ ’ and ‘ _good for the kids_ ’. I didn’t tell her much about what happened between Chris and I but I simply told her we were not in a good place. The week that I found out, I sent the kids to summer camp. I took all of Chris’s shirts and planned on burning them in our pit which we used for bonfires but I didn’t. I took all our framed photos around the house and turned them down. I threw out the flowers I’d cut from our garden into the trash. Chris and I haven’t talked in six days. The last thing I said to him was: **I need my space.** Fearing he would leave and leave the kids. I also said: **But you can stay.** Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t like he and I weren’t trying to not talk to each other. I wanted to but every time I saw his face, I felt even more hurt and angrier than before. Sometimes I’ll hear Chris pace back and fourth in front of the bedroom door and not come in. We were sleeping in separate rooms and even in middle of Summer I could still feel the cold. I’d spend all day out. Running errands, going out to lunch, or just going to the movies by myself and only come home to rest. I just wanted to be busy. I didn’t want anyone to keep tabs on me.

Which clearly upset Chris because I would ignore his calls every time I was out. It bothered him so much that he decided to confront me the day we would hit the road. I walked towards the kitchen and began packing the small things. “Are you ready for the trip?” I asked. The first thing I’ve said to him in six days.

He sat at the counter, putting his iPad away, looking up at me. “Are you going to talk to me about what happened?”

I didn’t make eye contact instead I rushed around him putting away what I could so we could return to clean house. He reached for my hand which stopped me in my tracks. “We need to talk.”

“I know. We will talk,” I looked at something else that needed to be put away and pulled my hand from his.

“Can you at least look at me?” His voiced raised. With this tone I knew where the conversation would go.

“Can we not argue? The kids are on their way home.”

 

* * *

 

We spent the drive down not entirely in silence. The kids were excited to show us all that they’ve learned and all the new friends that they’ve made. For the first time in six days, I could feel a genuine smile creep upon me. We admire the beautiful green trees we passed and the big colonial houses. The kids sang their tunes and I could see from the corner of my eye, Chris smiling too.

Fourth of July weekend was always a favorite of mine. Chris would work the grill and my parents would catch up with the kids. The day before the actual holiday it was gray and humid. Very east coast. We decided to spend the entire day after lunch on the beach behind my parents house. Chris and I help the kids build sandcastles on the shore, even building a moat, letting the water sink in. It was all smiles and laughter until we were alone together.

“Can I get a little help from my grandkids?” I heard my mom shout from the yard. The kids ran towards the house. “Make sure you wash up before you go inside!” I shouted behind them.

It was 4PM.

I sat on the beach watching the waves become higher knowing soon our little sandcastles would be washed away. I could feel Chris’s eyes on me. Itching to talk to me, itching to reach out to me, without having me pull further away. Before he could say a word. I could see my father walk towards us.

“Hey Chris can you help me lift something real quick. I promise to return him hunny.” He looked at me jokingly. Looks like my mom didn’t say anything to him. I continued to watch the waves, our little sandcastles falling apart with each crash. I couldn’t even think clearly but the sound of the ocean helped calm me. Until it was interrupted by the sound of an iPhone text alert. I look besides me, thinking it was my phone but it was his.

I narrow my eyes as I read the name. Was this her? The text said:

 

**I miss you baby**

 

 **THAT BITCH.** I thought. I knew _exactly who it was_. _So this is who he’s been fucking on the low? This is his side bitch????_

I felt a whirlwind of emotions. My face became hot, I could feel the tears form in my eyes. I clench my fists. I see Chris walk back towards me he stared at his phone in my hand and back at my eyes.

“ _Are you fucking serious?_ ” I showed him the texts from his whore. I threw that shit right into the ocean.

I began walking down the beach. Wanting more than anything than to be alone. Chris jogs past me and stands right in my way. Two hands on both of my arms. Holding me still. I didn’t have the energy to fight him off this time. I haven’t been sleeping well. Instead we walked back to where we were sitting on the beach. The sandcastles were long gone by now but the moat stayed deep.

I turned my attention to the waves again.

“Can you look at me please?” His voice pleaded. I gave him the biggest death glare.

“I’m livid.”

“Can you let me explain?”

“Explain everything. From the beginning.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the sand. “It started after we wrapped on the last movie.”

My eyes widen. “That was three months ago!”

He raised his palms at me in defense. “We were just friends, you know friendly text here and there. And then we ran into each other the other night.”

“What do you mean you ‘ _ran_ ’ into each other? She lives in fucking California Chris.”

“She wanted to see me and I wanted to catch up,” He started to ramble. “Things got flirty and we were at her hotel bar….”

“Oh my god,” I interrupted. I could feel my heart breaking. I suddenly felt the disintegration of our beautiful faux Martha Stewart fucking fantasy lifestyle marriage catalogue. I could feel the heat burning within me.

”But it was only one time,” he said defending his story.

“But you guys were talking! _Talking about what?_ Flirting about what? It was that easy for you to give into her? Or did she give into you? Do you have feelings for her?” I felt flames. Fire spitting out of my mouth. So many questions, I needed the answer to. I could see the tears fall from his eyes. The wind from the waves cooled me down but the thoughts spinning in my head kept me hot.

“Are you still talking to her now?”

“I cut her off but she’s still tying to make it work by texting me.”

“Do you talk to her about how you feel? Do you talk about your dreams, your goals, _our children_?”

He didn’t say a word. “Did I do something? Did I push you too far? _Was it me? Was it my fault?_ ”

He shook his head. “No.”

I could feel the hot tears fall past my cheeks. “Were you feeling insecure? Were you feeling lonely? Did you need more adventure?” I couldn’t understand this. Our sex was hot and it stayed hot. We had accomplished what we wanted in our careers and our marriage. We had the dream.

“I was never perfect but I _never_ gave you a reason to go running to someone else. I can’t stay... I can’t stay in this marriage.”

Was I just too much for him? 

I got up. I could see him crying in frustration and despair but I didn’t give a fuck. I didn’t care in that moment. I grabbed my things and walked back straight to the house.


	3. The Party's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more encounter. One more time I find myself walking away from him. Can love still linger through the pain? Can I find myself to forgive? How can I forgive if I can't even bare to look at him? 
> 
>  
> 
> Reader struggles with the important questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me forever to update this story. I've been really busy in real life. Too busy to write but I promise I'm sitting on a few more chapters for this story. This chapter is a little bit shorter but I'll come back with more. Thank you guys for reading them. :')

For the sake of appearances we pretend everything was okay. My parents invited, their friends, colleagues, co-workers, extended family and we pretended to be the most perfect couple at their Fourth of July party. Thankfully, the kids were distracted by cousins, dogs, and food. We were actors after all, we made a living off pretending. The day was exhausting. My eyes were puffy and I hid them under sunglasses the entire day. My face hurt from all the forced smiling. When the party ended Chris and I volunteered to clean everything that was out. Parents and kids were all passed out upstairs.

I couldn’t bare to look at him without still feeling my anger. We barely spoke the entire day except when we had to. I could feel his eyes on me as I rushed and picked everything up throwing it into the garbage. I could always feel when his eyes were on me. I tried to move as fast as I could. I couldn’t stand it, I decided to clean around the pool fleeing his sight.

I didn’t think he’d follow me. He was too afraid of my explosive anger but yet there he was standing behind me. Looking at me desperately wanting me to say anything to him. I looked at him, he looked so sad, despite the many beers he probably had today. “Let me guess, you want me to say something,” I said.

A moment pass as I began putting away the dirty beach towels into a basket. I looked around at what else I could clean. He said nothing still. This was good enough for me. Now he can listen to what he deserves to hear.

“I’m truly sorry to have been a disappointment to you,” I said sternly. “Our life must be truly boring for you to look for trouble.”

“I’ve never said that and I never will.” He stood there, his eyes still pleading with me.

I decided to take a break, grabbing a bottle of wine, pouring it into one of the red party cups. I could feel myself being utterly mean which I really hated. I swear I’m not ever like this. I’m usually in a good mood all the time but god damn it. This man. His betrayal. It was as if our commitment, our wedding, our children couldn’t even hold this shit together than what can?

I sat on one of the patio chairs. Chris sat across from me also pouring himself some wine too. “I know you hate me. You have every right. I’m disgusted with myself.”

“As you should be,” I replied. That’s one thing about me, I couldn’t hold my tongue when upset.

“I don’t know what I was thinking or what I was doing…” He sighed. His cup shaking in his hand. He rest it on the coffee table. You know when you’ve cried so much that you don’t think you could even produce a tear anymore? That there was too much burning and pain in your eyes you think your body can’t produce another tear but somehow it does. I felt it fall down my cheek.

“You weren’t thinking. You didn’t think I would find out, which really insults me. You decided to risk it all for what…? A fun little fling?” I was tired of this. I was tired of crying. To think this was only the beginning of the hurting.

Chris looked down at his cup gathering his own thoughts before saying, “I want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. ” I got up. Not bothered to continue cleaning. Chugged my wine and looked at him one more time.

“I need you to think about everything you’ve done. Everything you were risking. Our kids. Our marriage. I gave you the best years of my life only for you to shit on it.” I walked out on him again. I knew he was trying but everything was so fresh. How could I find myself to forgive him? How can I work through the hurting?


	4. Love Drought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know you're trying. So I'm trying to be fair and you're trying to be there and to care and you're caught up in your permanent emotions.
> 
> Reader unravels as her marriage with Chris makes no movement. She begins looking for fun and reliving her youth. Being reckless can get you into trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. I'm really excited to develop this story more.

We agreed to go to marriage consoling. We have been attending for about two month. Having a mediator between us so I wouldn’t lunge myself at him was helpful. But what I feared would happen, did. Chris and I have been so distant. Luckily, the kids are too young to notice. We live under the same roof but our interactions are minimum to say the least. We used to have so much in common and now all we share is refrigerator and the kids.

“You two need to get away. Just the two of you, to rekindle what’s left of your relationship.” That was Cheryl speaking. She was a successful marriage councilor in the area. She was good from what we heard from other couples but then again we weren’t like other couples.

I nodded trying to be polite. I was opened to making this work but when Chris tried to touch my hands or even rub my back I felt like cringing and shoving him away. “Go away for a while. On vacation. You two need this. You need time together. You need to interact with each other more.”

What I needed was a god damn drink. Time was up anyways. It was a Friday evening and the kids were at friends for the night. Which meant I could gift myself with a good cocktail, a shot of henny or even a edible pot cookie if I wanted. I was free to do whatever I pleased since Chris and I weren’t on good terms.

“The next time I see you two, I want you guys to have a destination planned out,” Cheryl said.

 

* * *

  

That night as I got ready in the master bathroom I could hear Chris’s footsteps in the hall. He headed to the spare bedroom, which he was now sleeping in. I could hear football in the background as I began making my way down the stairs in my heels. Clicking with each step. Ready for the night.

“Where are you going?” I heard a stern voice echo above me. I turn to see Chris at the top of the stairs, leaning on the railing.

“Why does it matter?” I said looking up at him. I could see his face: serious, concerning, suspicious of my future behavior.

“Out with the girls.” I rolled my eyes in annoyance and walked out. There was no way I was going to let him ruin a perfectly good night out with the girls. We got our cocktails, gossiped, and mostly talked about sex.

As we sat at our table. I noticed a particularly handsome man starring at us from the bar. “Do you ladies see that guy at the bar? Look discreetly,” I said taking a sip of my 3rd drink.

“Yeah he’s been staring at you all night,” my friend Jill said. “What? Really? Are you sure?” I was taken back. I hadn’t notice him till this very moment. “You haven’t been noticing him because you were too busy chugging your cosmo,” I head my other friend say. I laughed feeling my tipsy-ness travel within me. I smiled at Mr. Handsome waving him over to us.

“What are you doing?” I heard Jill say in the background. I didn’t acknowledge it, I was in the zone. Now I had no intention of doing anything with this man but having him sit down with us would make the night more interesting. “What’s your name?” I asked curiously.

“Richard.” He smiled charmingly. “Can I order you another drink?” I smiled and accepted. We danced, we laughed and drank more. That’s how I remembered the next couple hours to be. The girls were tired and ready to leave. So I headed outside with them. Richard followed. I had way too much to drink. Jill insisted on driving me home and I knew she was right. She sat in the front seat waiting for me as I said goodbye to Mr. Handsome. I had a lot of fun today. I used to party in Southbeach, Miami with my girlfriends and drink mojitos all night long when I was in my twenties. I knew a few waitresses who’d hook us up. I’d look for fun and get high for free. We got shit for free. Meeting Richard reminded me of that time in my life. Maybe because he was handsome and tan. Or maybe because he had picked up our tab as well.

“Can I see you again?” he said as he put his number in my contacts. “Maybe,” I said trying to be coy. I let him kiss my cheek before he headed back inside. I turned around about to make my way towards Jill’s car when I noticed a tall man through my fuzzy vision leaning into her car window talking to her.

The only thing I can clearly hear from their conversations was, “Thank’s Jill.” The man walked towards me. He was so tall. That’s all I kept thinking. As he came closer to me I was about to shout for Jill but she was pulling out of her parking spot. God what the fuck Jill? I’m too drunk for this!

He stood in front of me, hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket. It was really starting to feel like fall in Boston. I could feel the crisp wind blow through my somewhat revealing party clothes. “Let’s go home,” the voice said. Shit. I blinked my eyes a few times and realized it was Chris. I followed him towards his car, shivering as I got hit by the stupid Boston wind again, waiting for him to unlock the car so I could climb in. Once inside, I hit the button to heat my seat. At least I could see that when I’m drunk. He started driving down the streets, they were empty as it was late in the night or early in the morning. I was still trying to figure it out. I consumed so much alcohol and Richard was such a great flirt but I longed for more. I started to day dream. The liquor really hit me in places that wanted to be touched.

“I can’t believe you’re acting this way. Like a child. God.” Just like that, I quickly snapped out of my day dream, looking at Chris in shock. He was angry with me but I wasn’t doing anything he hasn’t done before. “Like you care,” I said under my breathe. I could tell he was boiling. After a moment, I could hear Chris sigh.

“ _I do care._ ”


	5. Reckless Serenade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know when your doing something and you know it’s wrong? But the temptation of possible pleasure takes over and the chaos of longing becomes unbearable. You feel like risking it all for one night of recklessness or maybe you’re just looking for attention?

The next weekend I decided to contact Richard. I told him we could go out for a drink. I also said it was all friendly and nothing to take seriously. I knew what I was doing. I was playing a dangerous game with temptation but oh how my mind thought of lust. To be given attention. To feel the warmth of someone else. I got lucky again, the kids had a weekend’s nature classroom field trip. I began getting ready, I sat at my vanity hearing nothing. Not the sound of the TV, no kids, no footsteps by Chris and I got up for a second to look out the window. I didn’t see Chris since this morning and his car wasn’t in the driveway. I shrugged it off. I didn’t know where he was and I didn’t care.

I told Richard to meet me at a place I knew well in Boston. We sat and talked over drinks. He told me of all the places he’s traveled and gone to for fun. He told me about the many houses he owned in different countries and what he did for a living. Nothing he said really impressed me but the way he said it peaked my interest. He had a passion for traveling. I didn’t notice before tonight that he also had a slight accent. “My accent is fading because of all the business I’m doing in America.” He confessed looking shamed and laughed.

“Don’t worry. I won’t judge,” I smiled.

“Can I confess something?” Richard said looking around before he leaned into my ear. “Every man in here is looking at you.” I blushed, flattered that he would think that. “That’s really nice of you to say but I doubt it. They’re probably looking at you and your Miami tan.” I chuckled. Richard began talking about the building his friend built in Miami and how he lives there during Winter. When he lowered his head again to whisper in my ear. “You are the most desirable woman here.” He was going to whisper more into my ear when the waiter distracted him as he approached us.

“Miss, forgive me for interrupting but the gentleman at the bar sent these over to you two.” It was two glasses of champagne. I immediately look towards the direction of the bar, searching. Who could of sent these? The waiter pointed at a man that was dressed in a nice suit like he just came back from some event. One that I didn’t know about... I felt my cheeks heat up. I look down in a small panic which Richard noticed.

“Do you know him?“ He said curiously. I sighed and took a sip of my glass of champagne before answering. “That’s my husband.” Saying I felt embarrassed would be a huge understatement. Richard didn’t seem taken back from my answer. He looked fascinated instead. “ _Am I being used here?_ ” He said with a chuckled. I suddenly felt a little better and laughed. “Don’t think that… I was just looking for-”

“Attention?” Richard smiled brightly at me.

“Yes and a friend.”

“Don’t worry we can make that husband of yours jealous. I don’t mind.” I intended to have fun and flirt with Richard all night and _no one was going to stop me from having my turn_. Maybe Chris would get a taste of his own medicine? As we continued to talk I noticed Chris was drinking with a small group of men I didn’t recognized. They all had suits on. Maybe it was an event, a meeting or a charity thing he was at prior? He didn’t tell me anything about it. Nevertheless, I couldn’t shake how surprisingly smooth this night was going and how strange it was. What Chris did was strange. He sent us drinks instead of confronting us and making a scene. Which is what straight men do in soap operas and episodes of MTV reality shows. Which wasn’t like him anyways but two glasses of champagne? Like some sort of celebration.

Finally he walks over us, pleasantly cordial towards Richard offering his hand. “Richard, this is my husband Chris. Chris this is Richard.” They shake hands and Chris sits down with us. He began making small talk with Richard. In fact he spent the next two hours talking to Richard as if this man wasn’t the man who just took his wife out on a date. They laughed and talked about bro-related things that I didn’t get. I suddenly began to feel like I wasn’t there, like a third wheel. I became agitated and waved to the waiter for another drink. _I lost count again_. Richard was suppose to help me get Chris jealous not be buddy-buddy with him. God damn it Richard.

The night was coming to an end and I wish Richard the best of luck on his next business trip. He says he’ll be flying out tomorrow to Peru taking all his fun with him. Walking out into the side walk wasn’t easy. To be honest, my feet hurt from my heels, I was shivering. I hate wearing heavy coats and wasn’t into layering clothes when trying to look cute. Chris walked in front of me, turning around a couple times to make sure I was still there. The third time he glanced behind behind him, he waited for me to catch up.

“That didn’t end up the way I thought it would,” this time he offered his hand. Which was returned with a stink face on my part. “ _I want to talk to you when we get home._ ” His voice was stern this time like I was in trouble again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short. I did have a second part to this but it became too long for one chapter and I felt like too much was happening for one chapter. So hold on for the next chapter... it's a doozy.


	6. Wicked Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to take your to your highest high. Give you my touch and take it away. Depriving you of your lustful needs. I want to play a wicked game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there is a use of sexual acts under the influence in this chapter.

**But I didn’t really feel like talking when we got home…**

I crossed my arms, looking out the window instead. This time I was the one that was angry. With my drunken mood I became incredibly on edge. I thought of Richard and how handsome he was. How Chris was incredibly charming towards him despite the fire burning below. I always knew I was in trouble when he’d say “ _I_ _want to talk to you._ ” I wondered what would happen if Chris didn’t show up.

I wondered how far Richard and I would of gotten…? Would I be able to… “You didn’t _actually_ plan to sleep with him did you?” His voice interrupts my thoughts. 

My eyes widen at his question but I kept looking out the window. How did he know what I was thinking about? How did he know what my possible intentions were? I wasn’t even sure what my possible intentions were!? “ _Well what if I did?_ I guess we’ll never know cause you’ve spoiled all the fun.” I heard him chuckling. Unbelievable!

“You can be such a spoiled child sometimes.” I stared at him in shock by his comeback.

“Well, you married this spoiled child’.”  
He laughed at my response even more. “You’re drunk babe.”  
“Don’t call me that,“ I snapped quickly.

This seemed to amuse him more. It was all fun and games to him. I can see him at the corner of my eye, smirking at what a mess I was. Which frustrated me even more. He was right though, I was acting like a spoiled child but he did ruin my fun.

 **Ding!** Like a lightbulb lighting up in my mind, a brilliant naughty idea popped into my drunken head. Well… I guess I can still have my fun. _My wicked version of fun._ “I won’t let you spoil all my fun again.”

I felt myself heating up from the alcohol I consumed that night. I unbuckled my seatbelt, removed my jacket. I was feeling too hot. I decided to shimmy my dress up to my hips, letting my fingers slide my panties down. Chris quickly glanced at me and back to the road. “What are you doing?”

I ignored his question, letting the straps of my dress fall past my shoulders revealing my braless breasts. I licked my fingers, knowing he was watching my behavior and began gently rubbing myself. “Mmmm,” I moaned in such pleasure at a place that hasn’t been touched properly in so long. He quickly glanced at me again this time his eyes were bewildered. “ _Richard would have been such a good fuck._ ” I said glancing at Chris but his eyes were fixed on the road again.

“I’m trying to get us home safely and you’re _reeeeaaalllllllly_ drunk,” he said seriously.

“Were you even listening to what Richard and I were talking about? That guy is duller than a piece of cardboard.” My plan wasn’t working. My plan to torture Chris with my sexual antics wasn’t having any effect on him. I had to push it further. “What? You think your more interesting than him?” I began moving closer to him. I placed one of my hands over his bulge trying to trace his structure.

“What are you doing now?” He glanced down quickly at my hand.  
I leaned closer to him, “ _I think you know exactly what I’m going to do._ ”

I began slowly unzipping his pants caressing his bulge through his underwear. His body adjusted in his seat as I began pulling his cock out. I knew the drive to our little suburban town from the city like the back of my hand. I could have Chris begging me to let him cum in a short few minutes but I wasn’t going to let him. **No, not this time.** I grinned at little wicked thought. I guided his cock with my hand, I saw his body tense up but he didn’t say a word. I moved even closer, lowering my body towards his lower half. I licked the palm of my hand and let the saliva from my mouth drip on to his cock as I began to rub. I could feel his eyes look down at what I was doing and back at the road. I let my tongue play with the tip before taking him fully into my mouth.

“Fuck,” I heard him let out quietly. I pulled all the way out once I hit my reflex. I began stroking his cock, sucking on the head, attentively. His hand reached down to my cup my breast while his other hand was on the wheel. He began gently squeezing my nipple which caused me to moan around him. I increase my speed, giving his head perfect attending too. I could feel his cock pulse. Ready. Wanting to. I could feel Chris’s shallow breathing above me, knowing he needed to cum. He was so close. He was about to. This was it. I pulled away, getting up and looked around. I noticed the car was off and recognized where we were.

“Oh we’re home.” I fixed myself quickly, grabbing my jacket, as I looked at Chris, I noticed his eyes were wide as he just stared at me, he was turning a blush rose and looked like he was beginning to sweat. I smiled to myself knowing the pleasure I had given and taken away so abruptly. I stepped out of the car, looking at his helpless expression.

“You can finish that off yourself right?” I closed the car door behind me, dashing to the house, pulling my heels off. I tried to make my way up the stairs but I couldn’t stop laughing at how I left him. I had left him a mess. _That’ll teach him._

I jumped into our California king sized bed feeling dizzy as I laid on my back. Not a bad dizzy feeling but a light free feeling. I closed my eyes, I couldn’t stop smiling at my little cruel joke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go ahead and read the next chapter. ;)


	7. Playing With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you crave me like I crave you? My little drunken head can't decipher it. I longed for someone's touch but did I really long for yours? Did I grab your attention, finally?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya’ll been waiting for the smut  
> Here ya go  
> Detailed sex

I heard a noise in my doorway and propped myself on my elbows to see what it was. There stood Chris, tall, sweaty as if he was panting or if he were in heat. His tie was hanging around his neck and a few of the buttons on his dress shirt were undone. “Did you finish?” I asked with a wicked grin.

I laid my head back down, closing my eyes in pure drunken bliss. He didn’t say a single word but I felt his weight over mine. I opened my eyes to what appeared to be a very angry Chris above me. Even though I was still a little drunk I could tell by his expression, he was serious. Chris still didn’t say anything though. Instead he pressed his lips hard against mine, grabbing both of my hands and pinning them above my head with his. I didn’t get a chance to respond to his presence above me, everything was happening so fast and the warmth of his body was transferring itself to me. Such a familiar feeling of heat between us. So hard to resist, no matter how angry I was at him. Or how angry he might be at me.

I felt his hands and lips travel all over my body. Kissing and sucking at my neck and chest. His hands caressing my breasts and thighs. He pushed my dress up around my waist, kissing my thighs as he moved down my body. I didn’t get any warning before I felt his lips hungrily on my clit. His tongue began to play with very smooth, long strokes. I squirmed feeling a bit overwhelmed by the sensations. He locked his arms around my thighs making sure I wouldn’t be able to move very far. I felt every texture of his touch and his pace. He was so damn good. I could feel my orgasm build up, my eyes shut, my back beginning to arch. He was watching my panting, my movements and then he stopped.

I opened my eyes and got up on my elbows. I looked at Chris in confusion. “Wha-?” is all that could come out of my mouth.  
“You know what you did and you know it ain’t right baby.” His face was still serious like he still had more in store for me.

“Don’t you dare finish.” He took his tie swiftly off his neck, putting my hands together and tying the material tightly around my wrists. I watched him undress from his suit, taking his sweet time, like it was a show. A torturous show that he was the host of. He had the control now and I wanted to cum so badly. My wicked game was catching up to me fast. Chris came back to the bed fully undressed. Touching his erect cock in front of me. I froze at how marvelous he looked. How sexy and determined his eyes were. He got onto the bed, arranging me, turning me around to where my back was arched in front of his view. He caressed both of my cheeks aggressively with his hands and in a matter of seconds I felt his heavy hand slap one cheek and move to the other. I whimpered with each slap, my eyes widen at the erotic pain I felt. He did it a few times and by the time he stopped I knew I my skin must of turned red. I was surprised at the excitement I felt. The anticipation of having him inside me soon.

He came up to me to untied my hands, blatantly putting his erect cock in front of my face. My hands land on my bed as I leaned my head closer to him, trying to get a lick but he moved away getting behind me again. Without any warning he slammed himself into me causing me to let out a cry. His thrusts were slow at first but deep. He gathered my hair by the roots and pulled my head back quickly. Our bodies became closer, so close I could feel his breath on my the back of my neck.

His thrusting became faster. I felt an urgency. “You like it when I fuck you?” The moans that escaped my mouth could not be withheld even if I tried. He pulled my hair tighter. I moved my hand lower to my clit which was notice by him. I tried to stay in place as Chris fucked me like a rag doll and the pressure of my fingers on my clit were begging my body to cum. “You gonna cum?” His voice was so dark and deep. “Go head, and come on daddy.”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” I manage to say and just like that I shatter around him, screaming in complete ecstasy. He slows his thrust and keeps himself in place. I felt my body trying to push him out of me which caused him to say, “Fuck!” He slapped my ass like a good job slap.

My orgasm was so powerful, I collapsed on the bed in a daze, but I knew we weren’t done. He flipped my body over, giving me a deep kiss and quickly moved down my body. He began licking up my juices, focusing his tongue back on to my clit. _Oh no, I couldn’t even image having another orgasm again even if I tried._ My clit was so sensitive and I half-heartedly tried to wiggle away from Chris but that didn’t stop him. He was determined. He was building all the tension in me physically, only to pull away again. I gave him a desperate expression. He began again, sliding into me slowly at first before he started picking up his pace. Pounding again and again into me. His lips kissing my neck. Sweat dripping from our bodies. He slowed down once he started gently thumbing my clit. Letting me experience him all at once, everywhere around me. I breathe deeply feeling the sensation of another orgasm coming. I look up at Chris my eyes pleading, he doesn’t stop.

He holds himself in me for a moment, still rubbing my clit. I can’t control my moans, I couldn’t control it. I was ready. The fire was spreading throughout my body quickly and Chris begins picking up his pace again. Fucking me harder, faster, but steady. I look up at Chris’s body, his halo was full of fire, his body sweating and then our eyes met. I feel another orgasm hit me as I scream, “ _Don’t stop!_ ” He presses his lips forcibly onto mine as our orgasms come crashing into each other. He rested on me, still inside of me, holding our warm bodies together and says “I love you.”

 

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Me after writing this chapter:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***UPDATE: I will be taking time developing this story. This is first time I've posted 3 chapters in a row. Ever. As a writer I go through my writing droughts and lack of inspiration. It is important to me to not half ass my writing and write something I don't like. I want you guys to like it too! Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. Much love. x


	8. I GUESS I NEED U

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was just sex,“ I said defending myself. By now, I know that the words that came out of my mouth already set Chris on fire.  
> “It was just sex,“ He mocked me. “It was fucking hot. But the next day she pretends like nothing happened.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient. I'm coming back with more stories and chapters for this. I won't give up on this story until I finish it. Don't you worry.

I’m such a bitch sometimes.

I keep avoiding Cheryl’s questions and she knew, I knew she knew. “So let’s catch up Mr & Mrs. Evans,” Cheryl said. I cringe. I hated being called Mrs. Evans. When did I become a soccer mom with John and Kate Plus 8 hair? I kept my maiden name, surely Cheryl, a professional would finally get it fucking right.

“Cheryl darling, you know that’s not my last name.” Chris stayed silent looking out the window and eyeing our interactions but he stayed quiet nevertheless, which was unlike him. He had his elbow up on the couch rest and rested his head on his palm. “Oh right. I’m sorry,” she apologized looking down at her notepad. “So how has your week gone so far?“

I couldn’t stop starring at the clock on the wall for the last fifteen minutes. Time was moving so slowly. I guess I should kill time and actually talk. “Well,” I started. “The kids have been really busy with tap dancing and so many extra activities. Girl scouts. Baseball. Our youngest wants to play soccer now everyday and hates coming inside. They love being busy. They’re driven those two-”

“We had sex,” Chris blurted out casually. My eyes widen. Did he really just say that out loud? I shot him a wide eyed expression and Chris gave me a look before saying, “What? She’s our therapist.” Cheryl looked at us as if she was about to have her afternoon tea. “That’s good. Tell me how did it go?”

“…………..” I froze. Was I on a episode of the twilight zone? I felt so strangely embarrassed. “Don’t worry, I am your therapist. Everything is confidential, as you know. But I’m here to help the two of you, together.” Okay Cheryl whatever you say. I rolled my eyes visibly annoyed. I can’t believe Chris would just blurt that out so casually. I don’t even feel like we are on the same page with what happened last weekend. Chris shrugged. “Well it was great. After sex, not so much.”

“It was just sex,“ I said defending myself. By now, I know that the words that came out of my mouth already set Chris on fire.  
“It was just sex,“ He mocked me. “It was fucking hot. But the next day she pretends like nothing happened.”

I shrugged. I could hear Chris and Cheryl talk to each other as I began to stare at the clock again. I zoned out watching it go around and around. How did we get this way? Arguing like children. Our children didn’t even argue the way we did.

“What do you think?” I heard Cheryl say to me.  
“ _What?_ ”  
“I was just saying to Chris that you two desperately need to go on vacation. Escape the cold. I talked about it in our last session, have you given any thought about a place you wanted to go?”

I didn’t want to go anywhere… Though I’ve been really tense about our situation. A place in the sun would surely make me feel at ease… but with Chris? Ugh no. I don’t want to be alone with my husband but I did craved the sunshine. The east coast could be such a bummer when the sun starts to go away at 4pm.

“Fine, I want to go to the Bahamas.”

 

* * *

   
  
“Don’t worry I know what to do,” he said calmly. I watched frantically as he was adjusting his swim shorts. “No don’t pee on my leg!” I shouted in agony.

 

**I bet your wondering how I got here? Well me too.**

After flying out of Boston and arriving to our resort villa. Chris picked a good one, with a private chef, and staff. It felt like a Honeymoon thing. A honeymoon I was anxiously wanting to avoid. I figured I’ll swim in the ocean all day, everyday and maybe Chris would be off doing his own thing. We got to our location a little late in the afternoon but we went straight to relaxing. Chris, to my surprise sat on the beach reading some philosophy book and drinking a beer. I swam in the crystal clear ocean for hours until I felt a sharp pain on my foot causing me to scream. Chris looked up as I screamed, “ _OW! OH MY GOD!_ ”

“Are you okay?” he shouted back at me, standing up. By this time I’m sure we were causing a scene in front of all the old retired pasty rich people.

“NO! I JUST GOT STUNG. _OW OW OW!_ ” I struggled even trying to get back to the shore, I swam way too far out. Farther than I should of. I was going down and I saw Chris come into the water to get me. He helped me to shore and I watched an old elderly couple watching us as I squirmed in pain. That’s when Chris with his quick thinking thought maybe peeing on my leg would stop the pain. But I wasn’t going to let him pee on me in public like a weird R. Kelly island nightmare, no matter how much pain I felt. Wait, to clarify I would not let him pee on me in general. That’s when a nearby resort workers approached us and quickly helped us. Thank god.

The doctor at the urgent care prescribed me with painkillers that kicked in fast but I insisted on making Chris carry me from the car into our private villa. “I felt great. I mean, I feel great. What a great first day! I’m not being sarcastic I promise.” I said, actually making myself giggle. “You’re high,” Chris said laughing. He helped me get into the shower, making sure I left the bathroom door open. “At this rate we’d be lucky if you didn’t slip in the shower,” he chuckled.

“Shut up,” I laughed. I did really feel high but the pain on my foot was going away. I dried off quickly, limping into our room smelling the aroma of crepes. “Crepes in the evening? How?” I said immediately plopping myself on our bed the villas comfiest robe.

“On the car ride from the pharmacy all you said were ‘crepes, crepes, crepes’ so I thought… _Hey, let’s get that girl some crepes._ ”  
“Wow, thank you. Awesome pain meds and crepes in the bedroom? Not in the dinning room?!” Chris hated food anywhere near the bed. Which surprised me when we first started living together. At the time he had a giant house in the hills but kept a very clean living space for a straight thirty something male. Who had plenty of frat boy friends, who basically lived at his house all the time. I called it the Land of Lost Boys back then. Which amused me at the time because he must of been such a “dad” to his friends. That’s something that hasn’t changed within Chris. He was always so generous with the people he cared for. I knew he was going to be a great father even back then.

At that moment, I didn’t notice Chris staring at me when I was zoning out in my thoughts. “Anything wrong?”

I smiled. “No,” I shoved as much food into my mouth as possible, feeling myself fall into a food coma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is short. Since it's currently winter in the story and I'm writing this story when it's summer right now is a bit difficult for me. Cause it's already summer in my mind all the time. haha


	9. H o n e y m o o n

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought to myself. ‘This is inevitable, this is going to happen and I want it to happen.’”

The afternoon sun peeked through the sheer curtains waking me up. I must of passed out after dinner. I watched Chris sleep so calmly next to me. He was usually up before me, always. I married a morning person. He looked peaceful, his long lashes resting on his newly tan skin. This was about the second time I found him sleeping next to me in last few months. Since I found out that Chris cheated he’d slept in our guest bedroom but waking up next him… Feeling the warmth from his body and the sun beaming in felt too good to be true. I shook my head. Because it was too good to be true. It didn’t change what had already happened.

I got up quietly and decided to go for a walk on the beach. Feeling a little pain from what was left of the sting. I watched people jog run past me. Everything was beautiful, the ocean, the place we were staying in, even Chris was beautiful. But why do I feel so… different? I couldn’t shake it. What was wrong with me?

I walked towards the main resort and gotten a few activity pamphlets. One included transparent kayaking with sharks, seeing that little island that had inhabited pigs, underwater deep diving, skydiving. Which I heard from locals, are all harmless activities. I figured if I was going to spend a week here with my on and off again husband I might as well keep us busy. I went back to our place only to notice an enormous rose arrangement… An absolutely ridiculous rose bouquet. I must of been gone for 35 minutes. I felt luxurious just staring at it and suddenly I really did feel like I was on our honeymoon again. On the dinning room table there were mimosas, fruits, eggs benedict. It was like waking up to weird dream where our kids didn’t exist and there were no crayons, backpacks, and snacks everywhere. Oh how I missed the kids but I liked this view too.

“Well sit down.” I heard Chris behind me. We sat, everything looked too good for such a normal day. “You didn’t do all of this did you?” Raising my eyebrow.   
“Don’t be so surprised. I’m a romantic softie remember? How did I land you again?”  
“I believed you annoyed me everyday telling me you loved me jokingly.” I laughed a little remembering it as if it were yesterday. It was the the first movie we worked on together. Every time I would walk by he would scream my name and say “ _I LOVE YOU!_ ” like an erratic fan. Other times I walked by him and he would ask “Can we take a selfie?” He was so playful. Beyond playful, I mean Chris was successfully annoying me. He needed someone to play with and he picked me. He loved annoying me. The more I rolled my eyes and called him annoying the more he would do it. “Anyways, the chef cooked. I arranged it last night after you passed out…”

Chris was everything everyone thought he was. He is straight forward, sensitive, fun, surprising little trouble maker. “I remember asking you to go out to the bar with me and the cast… and what did you say exactly? Oh I remember. ‘If you’re going to be there, I won’t be!’ and I laughed so hard at that.”

“I just thought you were being so weird. The more I was mean to you the more you loved it!” I took a sip of my mimosa watching him try not to laugh with food in his mouth.. “I guess that was my way of flirting with you. You really didn’t take any shit from anyone.”

I pretend to be so dramatically complimented but placing a palm on my chest “Why thank you!” I continued to eat away my breakfast while Chris pauses from eating and looks at me. “You know I’ve liked you since the moment we met.”

“I know.” I took another sip of my mimosa. Where was he going with this? “You told me before.”  
“I thought to myself. ‘T _his is inevitable, this is going to happen and I want it to happen_.’”

I half smiled playing with a piece of fruit on my plate reminiscing to the good old days. I quickly grabbed a brochure I left on the table. I knew Chris was waiting for my response… “Let’s go skydiving,” I said suddenly. He looked at me amused but aware I was changing the subject to avoid responding to him like an emotional adult. “Skydiving? We’re not doing that again.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him playfully. “Well let’s go kayaking with sharks that’s something we’ve never done. Let’s do it.“ He looked at me surprised at my sudden impulse. “You’re afraid of sharks and you know I’m not their biggest fan either.” Chris finished eating his food and began picking off my plate.   
“Yeah but they’re friendly. They’re harmless, look!” I practically shoved the brochure in his face, showing him the pictures of people petting, swimming, and kayaking with them. “They’re not like those dangerous big man eating sharks. Locals say they’re harmless.”

Chris smiled in disbelief. “You’re not going to stop till you get your way right?”

I smiled. “You know me so well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I posting this at 3AM? I should go to bed. I wanted to post this before I forget though. :)


	10. M o o n l i g h t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You took care of me last night. Even though you knew I didn’t really want to be here. I wasn’t exactly being the easiest person either.” Did I just admit that? Did I just say that without hesitation. Even though I meant what I said I wasn’t read to let him know that.

“Chris if you don’t stay still you’re going to tip this kayak over!” Chris agreed on going kayaking with the sharks but I don’t think he was aware that the kayaks were transparent so you can see the them below you. “You remember you’re like a giant compared to me right?” I began taking photos of our little adventure on my phone. “Isn’t this cool? I want the kids to see this.” I sat in front of him to get better photos and began clicking away.

“Yeah, actually it is.” He said calmly still feeling anxious starring at the sharks below us. A moment of silence fell between us. I watched the sharks swim calmly below. Weary that we might run into a big one despite how relaxed every person in a kayak near us seemed.

“You’re being really nice.”  
“I’m always really nice,” I said.  
“Yeah but you’re being nice. _To me_.”  
“Uhhhh do you want me to be mean or something? You know I’m really nice when you don’t fuck up.” I laughed to myself. I quickly glanced back at him.  
“ _There she is._ ” He laughed clearly amused by my response. “ _That’s my girl._ ”

The day was filled with activities that I could do. My leg was sort of a little sore for yesterday’s incident and Chris complained that it was like taking care of his grandma. “Uhh I think I’m more capable than that,” I protest. Each activity we did, didn’t really require us talking too much to each other. We went on a boat tour that had a glass bottom. We got to see more sea creatures and filled in our time with touristy things. When it started to get dark, we began walking back to our resort house. Chris turned around to see me walking as slow has his grandma. “You’re going to walk that slow huh? Want me to carry you again? I thought your leg felt better?”

“I said it feels a little better old man.”  
“What did you just say?” Chris laughed.  
“Uh I think you heard me.”  
“That’s funny cause you’re the one walking like a grandma right now.”

That I was but the truth is I wasn’t in a rush to get back to the villa. I was taking my sweet time. I didn’t know what to expect. There were so many hours left in the night where we would be alone, together. Can you imagine? Being alone with my husband? I mean if this was 10 years ago I would’ve been excited but this is now and the knot in my stomach caused me to feel anxious. The first night we slept together in the same bed we… I mean I was drunk. The second time, I was knocked out from pain killers and nothing happened. So at least it wasn’t really by choice but more of the fact that I passed out. Maybe I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.

Chris stopped to wait for me deciding to walk slowly next to me. “Thanks for trying.”  
His voice broke my train of thought again. “What?”  
“You know, coming here.”  
“You took care of me last night. Even though you knew I didn’t really want to be here. I wasn’t exactly being the easiest person either.” Did I just admit that? Did I just say that without hesitation? Even though I meant what I said I wasn’t ready to let him know that. I should think before I speak. The dark sky was illuminated by the moon and sounds of the ocean rising against the sand should of been enough to relax my anxiety. I took a deep sigh that was automatically noticed by Chris. I stopped to lean my elbows on the fenced boardwalk leading to house. “Look at the moon.”

He joined me and we gazed at the moon. I felt the coolness of the ocean’s breeze hit and shivered loving every moment of it. Content silence. Did I just say content? Well maybe in that moment. I felt at peace for a mini second even though I knew it was temporary. I turn to look at Chris, he marveled at the moon and it’s quiet beauty. He glanced at me and smiled. In that moment, in that small quick smile, in the darkness only lightly lit by the moon. I felt something.

“This was a good choice.” He turned his body to mine. What was I feeling? Was it the warmth of his smile? The way his eyes sparkled even in the freaking darkness like the good looking man he is. What was it? Chris wrapped his arm around me guiding me back to the house slowly. My first reaction was to move away from him but I didn’t. I played myself and knew I was giving in. The comfort of his smallest affections felt right for right now.

Before we walked back into the house I did something that even I didn’t see coming. A impulse hug. I hugged Chris tightly and felt his chin rest on my head. I didn’t look up at him but I could tell he was surprised too. I gave in a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can Chris win her back? Ahhhh I wish life was that easy. I have so much I’ve outlined for this story and I’m excited about it.


	11. P a r a d i s e

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence past and I was letting him have his moment. I would be lying if I said I didn’t slightly like it. In fact I missed it. His arms around me, his affections…. God stop stop stop it. Stop giving in so much.

My leg finally feels better and I’m glad it does. I remember the doctor at urgent care said it would be better in two days or so. I also remember thinking that if he was lying he’d make it on to my list of “men who disappoint”. Last night I attempted to sleep next to Chris but found myself tossing and turning. My mind felt like it was jumping from thought to thought but on a loop. I actually got out of bed and went to the living room to watch whatever what was on. I fell asleep there and the sunshine woke me up. I found myself staring at the vibrant roses that were placed in the dinning room. I loved flowers. Chris knew that.

It was clear he wasn’t giving up and until this very moment I have never admit it to myself but neither was I. I’m just wondering how we can move forward. We took our steps, couples therapy, this vacation, I attempted to sleep next to him last night. I want to forgive but I can’t forget and at the same time…

“What are you doing out here?” I heard Chris walk towards me. I rubbed my eye a bit. “I couldn’t sleep.”  
“I think I’m going to the spa today.” I said before he could ask me anymore questions about it.  
“Oh good cause I was actually thinking of golfing.”  
“Sounds good. Let’s meet up for dinner later.”

 

* * *

 

Is it wrong that I wanted to spend sometime away from Chris? Yet at the same time I wanted to be physically near him. I spent my “spa day” being analytical. My mind couldn’t stop. No facial, no steam room, no seaweed wrap or whatever they did to me could stop my rapid thoughts. My spa time was over and it was time to return to the house. It was still sunny out and I when I went inside I saw Chris sitting on the couch face-timing the kids. I said hello and told the how much I missed them. I also reminded them not to give their grandma so much trouble. They’re good kids though. I couldn’t wait to see them. I went to shower hoping my mind would stay quiet and when I went into our room I notice how dimly lit it was. Which isn’t how I left it. I changed into my satin robe, leaving my hair wrapped in a towel. I started walking out into the hallway noticing little flower pedals on the floor. I turned the corner anxious to see what was in store but I saw no one and the whole place was still dimly lit. I followed the pedals that lead towards an open patio door.

I saw beach candles everywhere, blowing from the wind and there was Chris sitting all by his lonesome self.  
“What are you doing out here?” I looked wine and food that looked too fancy to eat spread out on the table.  
“Waiting for you,” he half smiled before looking at my evening attire. “Well that’s not what I’d thought you’d wear tonight but you look lovely. How do you make hair wrapped in a towel and a robe so fashionable?”  
I shot him a straight face before laughing. “Wow. Flatterer. I’m starving, I thought we were going out to eat.”  
“Well _surprise,_ ” he said.

  
Absolutely, surprised. Another romantic gesture? It felt straight out of a Korean drama. I sat down right across from Chris. “Aren’t you gonna change?”  
“I’m on vacation, I want to be as relaxed as possible,” I said before cutting a piece of chicken and shoving it into my mouth. I then proceeded downing my wine.  
Chris just watched with that stupid handsome amused smile. “They didn’t feed you at the spa?”  
“They had cucumber water and very healthy snacks. Some squirrel food you know? Which on another day would be fine but a girl’s gotta eat.” I shook my head and continued eating. The food was delicious and we were on our second bottle of wine. Which always puts me in a happy little sleepy state. Other times it put me in another mood. A lustrous state. I get up for a moment, walking away from the table to let my hair down, letting the ocean’s breeze dry it. Chris’s eyes never left me. He watched my every move.

“What are you staring at?” I ask, returning to the table.  
“Nothing,” he grins, resting his chin on his palm.  
“ _Don’t even think about it,_ “ I said.  
“You don’t know what I’m thinking about,” Chris laughs knowing I knew _exactly_ what he was thinking. When you’ve been married for as long as we have at some point, there is a unspoken telepathy that happens from time to time.  
“Yes I do. Get your mind out of that nasty gutter,” I laughed.

We sat and talked for hours. _We actually talked for hours?!_ Instead of me ignoring him or avoiding him. We talked and talked about our memories. The reminiscing over fun times and difficult times that ended up being pretty hilarious in the long run. When we first started dating, our friend Paul had a crazy girlfriend who thought I wanted him but I was already secretly dating Chris. Chris found it hilarious because she was insane. She would show up on set and give me a dirtiest look.

“Remember she would whisper to you and be like ‘ _she wants my man_ ’?” I took a sip of my wine remembering it like yesterday.  
“Yeah and I told her that we were together and she didn’t believe me,” he said.  
“Oh my god how about when she confronted me in front of my trailer and I said ‘ _Bitch nobody wants your man!_ ’ and she said _‘Good I’m doing my job!_ ’ What a wack job.” Chris was throwing his head back with his classic boob grab laughing at this.  
“I don’t really think you understand how much I hated seeing her. I don’t think she believed we were dating even though she saw us together all the time. And I was mad at Paul the entire time we were filming. I’m still mad at Paul. Bitch.”

Chris couldn’t contain his laugher and neither could I. The wine was getting to us.  
“I’m hungry,” I said.  
“We just ate!” Chris said amused but not surprised.  
“Alcohol makes me hungry. I had squirrel food earlier.“ I get up walking into the house and towards the fridge in the kitchen. I wanted to see if the cook left anything delicious to eat and I found something. I shut off all the lights before coming back outside.  
“Look, a delicious chocolate mousse pudding.” I sat down at the table gazing at it’s beauty. “ _Mine_ ,” I said quietly. I took a bite absolutely high from it’s taste and Chris looked even more amused. “Want some?“ I pass the spoon to him in which he then made a gesture that I should feed him.  
Once again, I give him an unfazed look. “You know I hate feeding adults.” I complied anyways and gave him some. Chris watched me in my blissful dessert high.

“I love you,” I heard him say.  
I look up from my chocolate mouse pudding cup. “Thank you.”  
“ _You’re not gonna say it back?_ ” I could hear the height in this voice spike up.  
“You know, I don’t know, this pudding is _sooooooo gooooood_.” I roll my eyes to the back of my head to emphasize it. “I might just have to marry it.”  
He then tries to grab it out of my hand in which I get up and try to dodge him. I turn my back to Chris but he wraps his arms around my waist pulling me as I try to get away. “Stop! You’re going to make me drop it! It’s too precious!”

  
Chris is so strong. I forget all the time. He successfully holds me still my back to his chest. I’m still trying to finish my dessert ignoring his stiction only nudging here and there. I feel his nose and beard as he nuzzled the crook of my neck. I wiggled refusing to give him into his affections. “You love that more than me.”

  
“I might.” I finish the dessert and turn around still wrapped in his arms. I find Chris wearing the most satisfying smile.  
“What?” He takes the cup away, placing it on the table still shinning that smile. “I think this is the longest I’ve held you in months.”  
I look down at my hands which were now placed on his very hard chest. Jesus he’s was so muscular. Truly, I forgot because his grip never slips and in this moment I can’t run away from him. Silence past and I was letting him have his moment. I would be lying if I said I didn’t slightly like it. In fact I missed it. His arms around me, his affections…. God stop, stop, stop it. Stop giving in so much.

“I wasn’t joking,” he said.  
I look at him confused, “What?”  
“I wasn’t joking when I told you I loved you everyday. I meant it. I think subconsciously I knew. I liked you since the moment we met.” He pauses rubbing my back a little. “I’ve never felt that with anyone before.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted this week. I already have about 6 chapters outlined. This story is so much longer than I planned it to be. Haha.


	12. Furious Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know exactly how to feel in this moment either. Everything was becoming overwhelming with all these emotions being thrown at me. Before I could open my mouth to speak Chris kissed me. He kissed me with a furious fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS EXPLICIT AS HELL.
> 
>  
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you.

**“I’m sober now.”**   
Chris chuckles at my response, pushing a loose hair away from my face and behind my ear. “Stop baby. I’m serious. We weren’t even dating yet. But I’ve loved you since way back then and I still love you now. I don’t know if you’ll ever say it back to me after what happened but I’m dying to hear it again. I know I have to wait. I know I’ve fucked up bad.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know exactly how to feel in this moment either. Everything was becoming overwhelming with all these emotions being thrown at me. Before I could open my mouth to speak Chris kissed me. He kissed me with a furious fire. His body guiding me on top of the outside table, my satin robe easily slips loose around me and his lips never leave mine and I don’t want them to.

We slightly pull away as I bit his bottom lip a little. I notice a grin appearing on his face. I look around making sure no one possibly lurking on the beach could see us. There wasn’t a single person in site. I get off the table pulling him into the house, his arms wrapped around my waist, my hands, to my own surprise pulled his face closer to me as we kiss again. I could feel us hit and knock over things as we try to guide our way in the darkness.

We find ourselves on the couch, I could hear someones leg or arm knocked over something else. I slip out of my robe anxiously awaiting the possibility of getting fucked. I need it. I want it. I let my hands feel for Chris in the darkness. I could hear his clothes coming off of him. I sit waiting for his next move and just like that, without a chance to make my own move, I feel Chris pull my thighs on to the edge of my seat. He was kneeling below me, his lips kiss and suck my thighs as he moved his mouth closer in. He gives me a little bite mark. I then whined “ _Chris!_ ” I could hear him chuckle without seeing it. I could feel the heat coming from his mouth so close to my pussy. He teased me, giving very small little touches, his tongue flicking lightly over my clit. My eager hands find his head slightly moving him closer into me and Chris laughs at my neediness. He then gives my clit a long suck before wetting his fingers with his mouth, easing them into me. His tongue massages my clit rapidly and he pumps his fingers in and out of me. I could feel myself becoming wetter, my pussy begin to pulse and I instantly cum in minutes. Chris’s mouth never leaves my clit, he continues letting me ride out my high but I couldn’t take it anymore and began pushing him away from me. He kisses my thigh again and I feel his beard wet from me.

Chris picks me up in his arms, carrying me down the hallway towards the bedroom as I wrapped my arms around his neck, giving him a deep kiss. I could feel his erect cock against my body, his mouth on neck. Again, he bites me this time on my shoulder causing me to whimper. Not too rough but not gentle either. He climbs on to the bed, sitting on his knees, me still on top of him, his hands on my waist. I feel him guide my body over his hard cock, instantly slamming into me causing me to experience such a rush. I felt like I would be on the verge of tears by the end of the night. He doesn’t hesitate, helping me grind on his cock while he’s inside me. I moan in pure pleasure. His lips sucked on my neck, his hands groped my breasts and he pushes me down on to the bed without warning.

He quickly hovers over me, giving me a kiss, his hands travel from my breast back to my waist. He lifts my body towards him, my hands landing on the mattress, holding me up, he slides back into me, thrusting his cock into me and out of me repeatedly. His eyes were inescapable even in the darkness. The outside moonlight just barely shinned through our bed room window but it’s like I could just feel his eyes on me. He pushes me back down the bed still inside of me, his hand on my throat, as he continued thrusting in me. So steady but still so rough. His other hand tangled in my hair as he gripped that too. I could tell my hair was going to look fucked up tomorrow.

I could feel myself heating up again but Chris withdrawals from me. I feel him flip me over as I arch my back ready for him. I even lean my ass closer to him. He enters me again causing me to moan at his cock’s ‘welcoming back’. I rest the side of my head on the pillow as he continues his steady speed and my body feels so blessed to be fucked again. “Your pussy’s amazing.”

I laugh a little but couldn’t help myself from feeling satisfied. I clench myself around him, wanting to cum again. Which Chris noticed right away, even muttering “Fuck,” under his breath. He began thrusting faster and I still held myself tightly around him because it felt so good. I knew I was so close. Chris’s thrust become sloppy but never slowed down. I knew he was close too. At this point he was gripping my waist so hard I knew I’d be sore from tonight. I could feel my body wanting to collapse as I orgasmed, Chris showed now signs of slowing. He fucked me through my orgasm only causing me to scream into the pillow. “ _Yes, yes, yes!_ ” I could feel a tear fall from my right eye. I bite my bottom lip as Chris’s last few hard thrusts inside caused him to moan as he came. Chris collapse next to me, our bodies sweaty from sex, and the heat from the island. I slowly get up to turn the AC and to clean myself up a bit. I return to our shared bed, surprised to see Chris’s arms wide open for me and I return to them for the first time in months. Every emotion was surfacing as our bodies entangled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so excited to post my other chapters. I’m wondering if I should get a tumblr and post on there too? Cause I know not everyone has an account on here. What do you guys think? I appreciate all the feedback.


	13. The Most Beautiful Bitter Fruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't blame her for everything. It takes two to tango and she was probably in love with being reckless. It was one thing to sleep with a married man for thrills it was another to try to take him away from his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this chapter before I go into another writing drought. This was written before I hit my wall haha. I'll try to post weekly though.

 

I wake up to the sound of movement happening outside the bedroom door. I touch the side of the bed next to me. Empty. It must of been Chris. I groan looking at the clock on the wall. It was too bright outside and too early for me. I grabbed one of Chris’s shirts, putting it on as I walk out to see what was happening. The place was a mess. “Oh my god, what happened?”

I saw Chris picking up a knocked over potted plant. “I don’t remember knocking all this stuff down,” he said.

“Shit,” I start laughing. I began helping him, picking things up along the way.

 

* * *

 

We spent the last few days of our trip with nothing but nonstop love making, everywhere, anywhere. Unable to spend a moment not touching each other. Even just a light touch on the wrist could turn lustrous. Our vacation away from real life was like an orgasmic paradise. Believe me, I mean it. I frequently came and Chris was so sexually wild with me but we were back in real life now. I dreaded returning to the cold Massachusetts weather but we missed the kids a lot. It was time to return home. One of the first things we had to do after seeing our kids was go to therapy. Which I would have loved to avoided but Chris encouraged it. _It will help us_ he’d say.

I remember sitting in our session zoning out while Chris was actually very vocal about what happened between us. Nothing too explicit or any sexual details that I could hear. I kept wondering how long this would last. _How many more sessions did we have to do before this is fully fixed?_ It was clear to Chris and I that we were on the journey to healing. Another mistake and the end of us will appear faster.

“We can move on, we can try,” I said, looking at him. “ _I want us to move on. I want us to have a future._ ”

 

* * *

  

The months seem to move fast as we slowly began recovering. Sleeping in the same bed, smiling at each other, little signs of affections. Going to family holiday parties that all passed with pleasing atmosphere between us. We were going to be busy this coming year. I was away only for a couples weeks to promote a indie movie I did this past year and Chris stayed in Massachusetts with the kids. My agent called telling me of play I should audition for. Now my personal relationship with Chris wasn’t exactly smooth sailing yet. There were a few crazy waves but we were friendly and fucking like crazy. So the possibility of us being apart again for months at a time was going to be testing. My agent urged me to audition because their casting director kept asking for me. She said it was likely to be on Broadway and this was a good opportunity to showcase my talent. I briefly knew what the story was about and had a chemistry reading with a possible costar. What they didn’t tell was the reading was going to be with someone I’ve known for many years.

  
“ _Sebastian?_ ” I was surprised. I wasn’t expecting him at all. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. We met years back through Chris. “I’m reading with you today?”  
“Surprise?” He shined his bright brilliant smile at me. I wasn’t going to deny that Sebastian looks great. The years have been great to him. His hair was thick, he had a little beard and his eyes blue as ever. “Well let’s get this thing started.”

 

* * *

 

I flew back from New York to Boston thinking about my audition. I hoped I got it. That’s all I could think of. It would be great to work on stage again. One of my very first “acting” job was actually off off.. far off Broadway. I must of been twenty, hungry, and had no clue what I was doing. I don’t even think I had a speaking part. When I arrive in front of our beautiful New England home. I stepped out letting the March air hit me. I felt the excitement of being home but knew it wouldn’t last because Chris and I would be leaving again.

Chris had to promote his new movie next week and we’d be in LA and then New York as he promoted this movie. This movie was with his whore. Oh shit. I didn’t mean to say it like that. I don’t mean to call her a home-wrecker or a whore in our therapy sessions either. I’m sure she was just having fun. If I was single and wild god knows I’d do whatever I please. Still, it was disrespectful and Chris was just as guilty. Things were going really fine between us for now but we were gonna be confronted with the person who caused our problems. I was debating on staying home with the kids but Chris’s publicist insisted on having us as a couple on the carpet.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to or if you’ll feel uncomfortable,” Chris said. I could feel him wrap his arm around me like I was the little spoon tonight. I sigh. I gave it a moments thought. “ **I want to.** ” That was that. I was not a coward in the face of my enemy.

I couldn't blame her for everything. It takes two to tango and she was probably in love with being reckless. It was one thing to sleep with a married man for thrills it was another to try to take him away from his family. I wondered if she was in love with him or in it for the excitement. I was going to walk out on to that red carpet with Chris to prove myself. Not to prove myself to Chris or that hoe but to prove something to myself. That life hits you but you gotta get back up. I only hope that if I run into her and say… I hit her, that she’ll know to stay down.


	14. H o l l y w e i r d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For once, I met someone who was a bigger mess than me and for the first time… I met someone who was in love with Chris and actually got to be with him too while we were together.

The LA house in North Hollywood was rarely visited these days. Unless it was work related. I knew Chris was going to be promoting all week with interviews and such. He kept assuring me that he would not be doing interviews with _Her_. That their publicists agreed to keep them away from each other… like that was going to make me feel better? I thought I should clean the house to clear my mind. I found expired beer in the fridge and actually cringe at everything I cleaned but it help me clear my mind.

I passed our bedroom door but stopped cause something caught my eye. “What are you doing?”  
There stood Chris, standing there in front of the mirror with his old Captain America suit on. I just him caught him starring at himself in the mirror.  
“Dressing up for work,” he said.  
I tilted my head to side and squinted. “Hmmm. I feel like you're missing something.” I grabbed my iPhone and attachable speakers sitting on my desk. I drape them over Chris’s shoulders, giving him my phone. “Now remember, when you rip off the breakaway pants, just remember to thrust your pelvis toward the bachelorette. Kay? It’s her special day.” I walk out of the room laughing at my own damn joke. I can hear Chris burst out into laugher. “I’m going to a children’s hospital!”

 

* * *

 

It was finally here. The day of the premiere was a full schedule itself. Which was sometimes hectic mostly because I married the most anxious person on the planet. Okay don’t get me wrong, I get anxious too, who doesn’t? But for some reason when I’m around people who panic I suddenly become the calm one. Which is sort of our routine when these things happen. We walk the carpet together and took the cliche photos but when it was time for Chris to pose with the cast, I decided to follow Chris’s assistant around like a puppy. Making sure she kept me away from **Her** or _from seeing_ Her. _Hearing_ Her or _bumping into_ Her. Things needed to run smoothly. This movie needed to do good and any bad vibes will be noticed under these flashing cameras.

Fast forward to the after party. These premieres can be so big, full of very important people to staff who worked on the movie. Chris stayed close by me which was unlike him on nights like this. I guess he was worried too. We sip our drinks, make small talk, shake hands. I hear Chris accept compliments left and right on the movie. I excuse myself from the many buzzing conversations around Chris. I just needed a touch up on my lipstick or a breather. I step into the ladies room and start touching up. I look in the mirror not really noticing the people stepping in and out of it. I finalize my lipstick swatch and turn when I noticed a tall woman standing in front of a stall door. She was just starring, I acknowledge her with a small smile before trying to pass her.

“I’m sorry,” I heard her say loud and clear.

 _Oh my god_. _It’s Her_. I didn’t notice it before because her looks have changed and we only met once when I visited Chris on set. _It was Her_. “Pardon?”  
“ **For everything** ,” she said.  
Before I can open my mouth to speak, she starts rambling this word vomit at me. _“We didn’t mean to take it so far. I knew better. It was a mistake and now Chris won’t even talk to me. I feel so bad. I’m so sorry._ “

  
“Uhhhh,” was all I can get out as I attempted to back walk slowly towards the door but she kept moving closer.  
“I had feelings for him. I still do. _I know it’s wrong!_ You guys are married. I’m such a fuck up. I just thought he might of felt the same for me. We clicked. I’m in love with him.“

Oh my god this girl will not slow down. I’m in complete shock, just floored at how she was able to corner me in the worlds smallest bathroom. I stare at her in shock. I try to remember and mentally record every word that came out. “I made a mistake. We made a mistake now it’s an awkward mess. I’m sorry but I am in love with him. _I thought he would love me too._ ”

She said it again. I furrowed my eyebrows just in shock and a little anger. I could of slapped her right there. I could of screamed at her and made her cry ruining her make up or damaged her thousand dollar red carpet dress. But all I could say without completely losing my cool was, “Stay away from me.”

I walked out of the bathroom feeling an intensely negative feeling and mixed emotions that would follow me for the rest of the night. For once, I met someone who was a bigger mess than me and for the first time… I met someone who was in love with Chris and actually got to be with him too while we were together. Did he know? Did he use this information to his advantage? I suddenly found myself questioning his character again. The man that I loved. The one who destroyed our trust. The one who wanted to fix it all better. I sighed frustrated. I walked towards the open bar. I knew Chris would find me eventually.

 

* * *

  
I sipped my martini ultimately finding myself in a self-sabotaging mindset. I knew this would happen. **I knew something would happen.** I didn’t want to ruin tonight but when I think about Chris and _Her_. _TOGETHER?_   She had seemed to have real feelings for him. She wasn’t just fucking around with a married man for shits and giggles. She was in love with him. I could feel myself wanting to wither away and cry. But I was in public and this wasn’t the time or place. I shake it off with another sigh. I looked at myself in the bar’s reflecting mirrored wall. _I’m going to be alright._ I have to keep saying it. _Things will be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! Finished worked. Felt like doing nothing. Finished this chapter anyway. Passed out for a 3 hour nap an decided to post this. Hopefully I’ll be done with the next chapter Sunday/Monday.


	15. Her / Focus On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris has spent enough time with that woman to make her fall in love with him within only a few months of filming. He was that good. I wasn’t surprised but he gave into her. What makes her so different from other women he’s worked with?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommendation: Listen to Daniel Caesar's "We Find Love" and read this chapter.

**Who was I kidding?**

“ _I thought he would love me too._ ” I kept hearing her voice say it again in my mind.

I reunite with Chris who was engaged in a hilarious conversation (from what I can see) with his cast mates. “Hey, there you are.”  
He wrapped his arm around me. Looks like it was time to call it a night. We sat in the backseat of our ride with space in between us. I did that on purpose. I slightly shifted my body towards the window, starring out of it, hoping Chris wouldn’t noticed.

He gently traced my arm with the back of his knuckles. “You okay?”  
I stayed quiet, not reacting to Chris’s soft touch even though I loved the way it felt.   
I give myself a moment but I needed to know. I was dying to know.

“Are you in love with her?” I heard myself ask quickly. I didn’t mean to ask so impulsively but I couldn’t stop myself as usual.  
He looked at me and then eyed the driver. It was clear he wasn’t going to say anything until we got to the house. The more it stayed silent the more I worried that he would be annoyed by my question or become defensive. I wasn’t ever afraid of confrontation. As long as I initiate it, as you may have already learned by now but everything was going so well. I was worried I was ruining our chance at fully recovering. I was worried he’d be mad about that. I walk into the house, throwing my purse down on whatever piece furniture was closest. I went to the kitchen to grab a drink and I hear Chris follow behind me.

“She said something to you didn’t she?” I lean against the counter looking at Chris as he stood there.   
“Unbelievable. She was suppose to stay away from you.” I look down, my mixed emotions still lingered. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“She’s in love with you.” I look up at him for some sort of reaction. “I mean she’s _really_ in love with you Chris.”

But he didn’t look surprise. In fact, he looked guilty all over again. “Did you know?”  
“She told before.” That caught me off guard. I actually laugh dryly. “When did she tell you? Before or after?”  
A moment pass and I bite my lip anxiously waiting.

“Before.”  
I turned my head in disbelief concentrating my eyes on the wooden floors. A method I always used when I felt vulnerable or wanted to disappear.  
“She said, ’ _I thought he would love me too_ ,” I quietly said, shaking my head. “Are you in love with her?”  
“ **No** ,” he answered quickly. “I never was.”  
“You still hooked up with her even though you knew she had feelings for you?” My voice was rising, my emotions were rising too. Chris has spent enough time with that woman to make her fall in love with him within only a few months of filming. He was that good. I wasn’t surprised but he gave into her. What makes her so different from other women he’s worked with?

“What do you want me to say? You know what happened between us and you know it was meaningless to me. I never had any feelings for her,” he said in such a sure authoritative tone. He walked closer to me, he placed his hands on my arms trying to reassure me. “I regret it everyday.”

“ _SHE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU!_ ” I heard myself scream. Yikes. I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that but I couldn’t control it. It startled Chris and he backed up a little. I give myself a minute to try to stay calm down.

“I can't stand the thought of you with another woman! I know I said things have to change.” I began pacing the kitchen back and forth hoping that it would help me calm down. “I know I said to move on, but just the thought of another woman _drives me crazy_ and I hate feeling this way.” I hated this feeling. I take a deep breath trying to regain my once calm manner. “Maybe. I need more time than I thought. Maybe I want some space. Maybe I need to be free,” I said.

“Don’t say that. You don’t mean that,” I can hear how serious he was in his voice.

“We really should be free of-”

“No,” Chris didn’t let me finish. He knew what was already on mind. He knew I was tired of all of this and I was so close to just giving up. This incident keeps coming up no matter what we do and it’s been months. I’ve failed trying to have the perfect life. Perfect marriage. I’m not one to give up so easily. I’ll fight. I’ll hold on till my knuckles turn white, my hands sore, my palms sweaty. I don’t give up but this is different feeling for me. Maybe I should let go and forgive… and let go... of all of this.

“Don’t tell me you’re just going to throw away 12 years of marriage because you want to be free?” I freaking hate when Chris gets inside my head and knows exactly what I’m thinking but I also knew he how I felt too. It was frustrating. “I’ve made a huge mistake and every day I can only hope you forgive me but this… this is something else.” His eyes darken and they looked glossy. I could just cry from staring at them.

“I’m just tired of getting over this.” I wipe a falling tear from my eye.

“You want to be free? Is that what you really want?” His voice was still stern and still serious but his eyes were giving him away again.

“Yes,” I paused to sigh trying to be careful with that I said but I couldn’t be untrue to myself. I couldn’t stop being honest. “I want you be free of you. Free of my feelings of you. But I can’t… I can’t escape them as much as I want to because I… I love you.”

“Then don’t.” He pulls me into his arms. “This was never going to be easy and you know I regret hurting you. Having you doubt me, it’s all my fault I will own that everyday.” I began to sob like a mess. I felt vulnerable like a baby and felt Chris inescapable.

  
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” he said it over and over again as he tucked my head under his chin, caressing the back of my head. He held me tighter than ever.  
We stood like that in silence for what felt like 20 minutes even though it was probably less.

I look up at him, it was time to tell him. His eyes were watery and had hints of red in them. “I got the part.”  
“What?”  
“I got the part,” I sighed. “I got the phone call yesterday.”  
Chris stared at my in disbelief but also excitement. “That’s great! Are your going to take it?”  
“I did,” I hug him tighter. “What’s going to happen to us?”

 

 

We find love, we get up and we fall down, we give up.


	16. Spring Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you miss it?” I leaned my elbows on the railing looking out into the dark blue water.  
> “The city? Of course. This will always be my home.”  
> “No, I mean do you miss those first moments?”

We tried to work it out. I had to remind myself that I was lucky to get this part in the first place. The production was struggling to find anyone and they were already full speed into getting this to happen. I left for a month worth of rehearsal subletting an apartment in the Village from a family friend. The production would be running for three months max. Chris and I agreed to work it out. We weren't even sure what that would mean. It was spring. The kids would have spring vacation soon and we agreed to see each other on some weekends. I knew Chris was happy for me but I knew he was worried too. As much as we wanted this part for me, we both wondered what it would do to us.

The first week of rehearsal, I didn’t really get a chance to get settled into my new place or make it homey. I assumed I wouldn’t be there often, just to sleep. On the weekends the cast and crew invited everyone out to local events. Which was great because I got to get to know everyone a lot better. I missed doing plays. I feel like the cast & crew usually become like second family. It’s exhilarating to perform on stage with people you trust. With theater you have to get your scene right in the moment. There are really no second chances or do-overs especially for a perfectionist like me. I don’t exactly believe in getting better with each performance. I was trained to get things right at the first try and I usually did. Not to sound full of myself here. I’m very detailed and structured. That’s what I was taught when I went to drama school. With movies you get multiple tries and I feel like the performance gets watered down after trying too many times.

Playing opposite of Sebastian was a breeze. He was a very passionate actor and receptive. Sebastian invited me to his friend’s opening of a new restaurant this weekend in Chelsea. I went because they said the food was suppose to be really good and Sebastian wanted to catch up with me. It was true, we were working together almost every single day but we never talked about our personal lives in front of the cast and crew.

 

* * *

 

“ _She took the dog?_ ” My eyes widen in amusement. “And you sued her?”  
“She took my dog dude,” Sebastian chuckled running his fingers through his hair.  
“Hey, I don’t blame you.” Sebastian and I were sat on lounge chairs in his friend’s new restaurant we had already eaten but decided to stick around for a little. It was packed and if you know anything about NYC real estate, half of these restaurants were smaller than Khloe Kardashian’s closet. “Hey, wanna go for a walk? What about the Highline?”

(Anyone who hasn’t seen what the Chelsea Highline before, it’s marvelous. At night and during the day.)

 

It has been years since I walked the highline at night. I usually have wild stories from the past of my friends and I coming up here at night. Way back when we were kind of being wild. “So, how about you? You haven’t said anything all night,” Sebastian turned around as we walked and began walking backwards not realizing that there was a tourist behind him. I pull him to the side next to the railing before he walked into her. “Not much has happened really.” I stared off into the distance noticing midnight photographers take panorama pictures.

“I don’t believe that,” he responded. I glanced at him briefly letting out a small quiet chuckle, letting my smile quickly fade. I realized I haven’t thought about Chris that much in the last past two weeks. We did talk once in a while to check up on each other but it wasn’t the same.  
“Problems at home?” I didn’t think Sebastian would pick that up so fast. His gaze was fixed on me. I wrinkle my nose and give him my most convincing “doubtful” look, continuing to walk forward. “We should go to the carousel on the pier,” I suggested.

  
I always end up in Chelsea especially at night. If there’s anything I learned is that being by any body of water will be guaranteed to be cold. I shivered at the wind blowing but enjoyed it. It was warm for a fresh spring. Only chilly at night. We walk on the pier past the carousel. “Did you want to go on?” Sebastian suggested with a grin. I shook my head walking on towards the end of the pier. “You know if I weren’t married this would be pretty romantic.”

“It is pretty romantic anyways,” he corrected me. From where we were standing we could see a group of night kayakers with the LED blinking lights. “How can they be kayaking, it’s freaking cold in there!?” Sebastian pointed out.

I just laughed. This was nice because we spent most of our time walking and talking about random things. Sebastian caught me up with his life and I played listener. “Chris and I actually had one of our first dates here. Back when I was living in here.”

“Do you miss it?”  
I leaned my elbows on the railing looking out into the dark blue water. “The city? Of course. This will always be my home.”  
“No, I mean do you miss those first moments?” Sebastian joined me in doing the same.

To be honest, I didn’t really think about them until Sebastian said something. I didn’t think about those memories till now and they rushed back to me in snippets of fading colors.

  
“Oh are you crying?” Sebastian looked at me wide eyed and worried.  
I laugh wiping my tears away. “Yeah, sorry.”  
He gave me a mini tissue from his pack travel size tissues out of his pocket.  
“Do you always carry emergency tissues?” I laugh trying to pat my face dry.  
“Hey, I have really bad allergies during Spring you know that.”

Sebastian didn’t ask me anymore personal questions. He said he would walk me back to my apartment. He said he didn’t want to leave me crying at the pier like a bad friend. We actually laughed and talked about really stupid things from that point on. We walked passed my favorite $1 dollar pizza place the size of a shoe box. All the liquor stores still open, a million Duane Reades, and the occasional sleeping homeless man before we parted ways.

“I’ll see you at rehearsal Monday.”  
“See ya! Thanks for walking me home!”

I walked into my empty apartment realizing I haven’t checked my phone all night since I left the apartment.  
The last text message I got was from Chris that said: **Have fun tonight!**


	17. Leave Me Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The staff kept asking me if I was lonely and it sort of bothered me. Being lonely is not a bad thing. I know everyone thinks it’s a bad thing but maybe they’re confusing loneliness with something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I finished this chapter I accidentally deleted EVERYTHING from this story including my outlines and I was going to die. I was going to DIIIIIEEEE. My heart froze. I wasn’t using a word document (I know I should), I’ve been using my Notes on my laptop cause it’s easier for me to see everything. I was able to undelete it? Well anyways I almost had a meltdown but here I am.

  
Week three of rehearsals and I am working myself to the bone. Was that dramatic? There’s something amazing about working so many hours in a day on stage, almost every day, pushing yourself hard and feeling like you’re going to die that makes it so satisfying. Yeah okay, that was dramatic but I’ve never felt more at home. In Boston there is a lot of good authentic foods but not like New York. I am a true foodie at heart and so is Sebastian. We spent a few dinners with the crew eating halal, Korean fried chicken, and the other night we went to that new Macaroni Bar. I don’t know how this is important to the story. I’m sorry. I just made myself hungry.

Going back to an empty apartment didn’t hurt me the way you would expect it too. Not even on my day off. Sure, I missed the kids and Chris but I finally felt like I was turning a page in my life. **FINALLY!** I don’t know how to explain the feeling without sounding so selfish. I stayed in contact with them as much as I could. Face-timing them, calling them, sending them videos. The staff kept asking me if I was lonely and it sort of bothered me.  
  
Being lonely is not a bad thing. I know everyone thinks it’s a bad thing but maybe they’re confusing loneliness with something else. If you feel lonely that is the biggest sign that you are in need of yourself. If you’re lonely cause you don’t have a relationship, get into a relationship with yourself and maybe that’s what I’m doing. Once you’re truly on your own team, no matter where you are, who your with, or not with there’s no way that you could feel lonely.

I’ve been able to go within myself and explore my mind. I’ve been able to catch up with my brain and my heart. I didn’t have Chris or the kids to distract me. I didn’t have our therapist making notes of everything I said and I’m learning more about myself inside all over again.

The worst part is… is that I don’t feel guilty. Again, I do worry about my kids but they have a wonderful father, grandma and aunties. I’ll be seeing them soon.  
I can feel myself healing on my own without everyone getting in my way and I know, I know, I know it sounds selfish.

I heard a buzz from my door. I don’t remember ordering any food? Although I am suddenly hungry.  
“Hello?”  
“Hey, buzz me in I lost my key.”  
I didn’t really think anything of it. I just hit the button and went back to the kitchen to make myself a pot of coffee until I was interrupted with a knock. I look in the peep hole and see a familiar body shape. I take a deep breath before opening the door.

 

“ _Chris?_ ”  
“Hey,” he grabbed me into a tight hug. I noticed he was carrying a duffle bag next to him.  
“What are you doing here? Are the kids with you?” I quickly realized they weren’t. “Why didn’t you bring the kids with you?”  
“Calm down, they’re with my mom.”  
“You came early? Wait, did you just tell _me_ to calm down? _You_?”  
He chuckled a bit. “My mom is bringing the kids opening weekend. She wants to see your play too.”

He held me still in his arms as he walked us into the living room. “I thought we could spend some time together before.”  
I looked at him flabbergasted and wasn’t sure what words to reach for.

“I know you’re busy rehearsing, it’ll be like I’m not even here.”

 

* * *

 

 **Who was he kidding? For real this time.** Chris has such a presence that I can literally feel when his eyes are on me. Even the crew acted a little different when he was around. It was like being in school again and everyone greeted your dad cause they thought he was cool but you just wanted him to not be there. I felt under pressure and hoped that this rehearsal would put me at ease.

Chris sat in one of the theater’s empty chairs far away from everyone. Placing his work stuff down with him. “It’ll be like I’m not even here,” he reassured me with a smile. We jump right into it. There was a scene where Sebastian and I were dancing and he’s holding me tight in his arms. He serenades me and I get right into it almost forgetting my husband’s in the auditorium. Watching. Observing. There was another scene where we literally lay in a bed together. Another one where we make out in a car together. _Everything I surely want my husband to see._ Yeah, right. Lord help me.

 

“Can you guys redo this scene?” I heard the director ask. We nod and proceeded.  
Sebastian and I began our dance sequences in my character’s apartment. “ _Darling,_ _you’re born to be wild,_ ” he said as his character leads mine the outside "fire escape" where they talk about their relationship.

I cup Sebastian’s face like it says in the script and say, “ _It never was about the money or the drugs for you there’s only love. It never was about the party of the clubs for you there’s only love._ ” We gaze into each other’s eyes like the script says and Sebastian's character kisses me.

Sebastian’s character kisses mine about 20 times during this play. I’ve counted. I’ve never had to count until today and I was thankful Chris didn’t get see those other scenes where Sebastian does do that. I tried not to worry about it. I kept pushing it out of my mind. Chris was not the jealous type. I never gave him reasons to be jealous. He was the most understanding when it came to acting. We’re actors. We get it. It’s a job. No feelings should be involved but I’d be lying if I said Chris’s presence didn’t make me nervous.

 

* * *

 

Back at the apartment Chris begins moving his stuff from the living room into the bedroom. He was sort of quiet tonight which was unlike him. I always say the world knows the extrovert Chris but I know the introvert Chris and tonight he was definitely being an introvert. He wasn’t being rude or nonvocal _exactly_. He conversed but he did a lot of observing which I didn’t mean to notice but I did.

“You didn’t mind going out to dinner with the crew right?” I walk into the bedroom to help him get settled in. He was trying to find an outlet to charge his phone. I gave him a plush white robe from the production company. They gave them out as gifts to the crew.  
“Yeah, they seem like a tight group.”

I felt relieved to hear that but not entirely convinced but at the same time I wasn’t trying to look for trouble tonight. I needed a relaxing after work atmosphere and I didn’t want any high drama right now. I watched Chris put the robe on and lay himself across the bed.

I sat on the bed criss crossed. "So what did you think of the play so far?”

He sort of gave me a funny look with a smile. “You sure you wanna know my opinion?” 

  
“I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answer to.”  
Chris puts his palms up and chuckles. “ _Well… excuse me._ ” He began laughing at my need to know.  
“Okay, okay, from what I saw today… it will be amazing. You guys are going to kill it opening night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's going to happen next? You know I can't tell you guys lol


	18. Act Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I look down smiling to myself for a moment. I believed in what he said. I turned around to look for Chris but there he was with two drinks in his hands making his way to me. His face had changed since we left the party. He was once enthusiastic about this night and now it’s all changed.

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Chris knew I was pressed for time, we were opening in about a few days. Some days he would tag along and watch. Other days he’d do his own thing around the city. He said he really enjoyed it because he had time to read the scripts his agent sent him. The other day he went to central park by himself and to read a whole script by himself. “No one even noticed me!”  
“Don’t you miss the anonymity?“ He looked so happy to go unnoticed. To blend in with the crowd. New Yorkers don’t really bother celebs in fact before I started acting I would notice them all the time. I didn’t feel like bothering them though or I was in a rush to get somewhere. I was never good at being on time to anything. I was even late to our own wedding.

“I miss the city so much,” I said. I had finished for the day and promised to make some time for Chris.  
“Wanna move back?“ Chris shined that beautiful excited smile at me. I couldn’t tell if he was kidding or really meant it.

The day before the opening night Chris’s mother came down with the kids and a few family members. The apartment was too small for everyone to stay with us so we rented rooms at the Marriott for them. Chris’s family was my second family and we wanted to take care of them. He always took care of them. One of the many things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. We all went out to brunch and I hugged the kids like crazy. I asked them so many annoying mom questions. They would cling to me like little child monkeys. Which I actually enjoyed.

 

* * *

 

 

Opening night, I could of had a heart attack. Everyone in my family and Chris told me that I got this. Did I believe them? Half heartily I did but I mostly am full of self doubt these days. There was a lot of pressure on tonight. There would be journalist and critics in crowd. Overall, it was important that we delivered this show outstandingly because that’s what will determined whether or not we will keep selling tickets.

“Ya nervous?” Sebastian stopped by my dressing room delivering me a small bouquet of sun flowers. “For my awesome stage partner.”  
“I am nervous but thank you so much. I should of got you something. So much is riding on tonight,” I said anxiously, fixing my hair a little.  
“We got this. We did this a hundred times. We got this,” Sebastian’s eyes sparkled along with his words and I knew he believed in what he was saying.

 

* * *

 

 

After the show I reunite with my family and Chris’s family. They fill me up with cheer and compliments but I keep reminding them that we have to wait to the reviews in the morning. “Screw the reviews! You guys did amazing!” Chris’s mom said. I was filled with joy as the kids and Chris gave me a big group hug.

“You did amazing,” he said. I smiled hoping he was right. After the show the cast and crew through a little party at a hotel downtown. It was going to be late and Chris’s mom offered to take the kids back with her to the hotel. “You guys go have fun,” she said. Chris must of told her everything we’ve went through this past year. Oh yeah… they’re _that_ close.

We ride in our cab in silence. I kept my smile apparent on my face. Hearing the audience clap, running through entire play. I probably said this before, but it feels so liberating but I noticed something missing. Chris had been so quiet since we left our family behind.

“You’ve been so quiet!” I grab his hand tightly trying to get a reaction out of him. He smiled quickly and looked out the window. I could tell he was thinking about something. He did that whole silent look out the window vibe. I shrugged it off. We arrive at the party and Chris goes to congratulate my cast members. I go straight to our producer Patricia and Sebastian hugging them. We worked so hard to get here. Patricia left to thank a few more people who passed us and left us there.

“So what do you think?“ I said excitably.  
“I think we fucking did it,” Sebastian hugged me again in excitement as well.  
We stay embraced in each other’s arms for only 5 seconds before I pulled away. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m still worried about what the articles will say tomorrow.”  
“Don’t, they would be dumb not to notice how great you were,” he said before walking away.

  
I look down smiling to myself for a moment. I believed in what he said. I turned around to look for Chris but there he was with two drinks in his hands making his way to me. His face had changed since we left the party. He was once enthusiastic about this night and now it’s all changed. I felt like he was trying to play it off as being _tired_ or _mellow_. When we returned to the apartment after a few drinks Chris stayed quiet still. We were getting ready for bed after washing up when he finally said something to me.

“You know I didn’t realize how much you guys clicked,” Chris said while getting into bed.  
“We had a lot of practice,” I said not really thinking about it.  
“I mean you both have _real chemistry_  when you perform that didn’t translate during rehearsal until tonight. Or at least I didn’t see it before,” he continued. “I kept thinking about it tonight-”  
“Please don’t spoil this,” I interrupted, climbing into bed with him. I wrapped my arm around him reassuringly.  
“You think Sebastian is into me or something, don’t you? _You think he loves me?_ ” I teased him trying to ease his serious thoughts.  
“Everybody loves you,” Chris said giving my forehead a warm kiss.  
“That’s not true,” I said.  
“People like working with you, you’re a hard worker.”

  
We did are usual kiss and goodnight but I couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was my excitement. I was actually excited to work. I wanted to do this show over and over again until I was sick and tired of it. I was so lucky to be casted next to Sebastian, he was crazy talented and my safety net when we worked. He really reacts to what I say and reciprocate. When you’re working with someone else you want that. I put Chris’s strange words at the back of my mind. I wanted this show to be successful, that's all I could think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short. I have more coming, I've just been really busy this past week. Go on to my page and read "Love On The Brain" to hold you over until the next chapter. Can't wait to post more for you guys.


	19. Passionfruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension  
> Between us just like picket fences  
> You got issues that I won't mention for now  
> 'Cause we're fallin' apart

  
I scrolled through the every single screen shot sent to me by my agent.

  * _“The two lead actors portrayed a Bonnie & Clyde persona. Ride or die buzz. This show is a must see.”_
  * _“The lead actress and actor seemed to have a chemistry that jumps off stage and into your mind. If they were together in real life I wouldn’t be surprised.”_
  * _“Excellent cast, everything was flawlessly executed.“_



  
**I couldn’t believe it.** I also can’t believe that journalist headline their reviews this way. I was on my happiest high. I still couldn’t believe anyone would like my performance at all, it’s been so long since I’ve done theater. I felt like Hollywood watered me down a bit. I was relieved to see a mix of good reviews and only a few nit picky ones. I felt like nothing could knock me down. I forward most of the screen shots to Chris. The kids, Chris and his family left New York days after opening night. I knew Chris has a small press junket coming up in the following week where he’d be in LA and then New York. He wanted to return to me. Most notedly in the reviews a lot of the journalist thought Sebastian and I had real on stage chemistry. I felt relieved cause sometimes when you work with someone no matter how great of an actor you are… it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t perform well. I trusted working Sebastian and now I know I made the right choice doing this play.

While most actors have unremarkable routines for passing the time backstage — reading, listening to music, updating their twitter pages… I spent my time trying to prank Sebastian. It’s childish but it passes the time. He always tried to get me back. We spent a lot of time together and I know what you’re thinking… But Sebastian and I have been friends for years and he’s never shown any interest in me that was not platonic. In fact most of the actors hung out, on our very unlikely day off. I say unlikely because it’s as rare as a full moon. We had to keep busying ourselves to avoid performance-killing tedium because some characters appear so briefly. Of course that wasn’t the case between Sebastian and I, we were almost on stage all the time except during the flashback sequences when our younger characters were on stage.

Enough about that. I noticed a distance between Chris and I since he’d left. He would talk to me but not in that enthusiastic tone that he usually has. Even in his calmness I could feel the distance between us but I tried not worry about it and shrug it off as nothing. He was probably anxious about doing this press junket coming up. He hated doing them but the It was apart of the job. He had a movie he helped produce and starred in. So he would be sensitive to possible critical feedback but maybe that wasn’t it.

* * *

 

One night after performing everyone decided to go to a bar downtown. I didn’t know how these actors did it. They would work all day afternoon shows and night shows then go to the bar. I couldn’t keep up truthfully, I was exhausted but Sebastian practically begged me to come out. He and I sat at a table where his friends were at. He introduced me to them one by one. Everyone chatted, really silly small conversations and I listened to everyone catch up with Sebastian. When I started yawning Sebastian asked me if I wanted to get out of there. So we did, but we didn’t have any location we really wanted to go. So we decided to walk around my neighborhood. The weather was finally warming up or maybe it was the alcohol but we stayed close to each other. I didn’t mind because even though I lived in New York so many years I wasn’t trying to run into suspicious characters.

It was really late on a weekend but where we walked towards, through the neighborhood it was quiet and not many people were out. We didn’t say too much once we left the bar I guess I was just tired but I could feel my mind sort of get cloudy.

“How do you feel about everything?” Sebastian’s warm voice woke me.  
“Hmm?” I glanced at him as he waited for my answer. “Oh about the play?”  
  
We sit on the steps of my walk up, trying to make room for anyone who would possibly be in and out of the building. I might live in Hollyweird or Boston now but common courtesy was never lost on me. “I’m so happy about how everything turned out. I’m _too_ happy. The happiest I’ve been in months which makes me worried.”

Sebastian gave me a funny look. “Whatcha worried about?”  
“I come from a place where when something is going really great and I’m happy that’s when I get knocked down.”  
Sebastian faced changed, he looked a little sad for me.  
I smile opening my mouth to say something but I couldn’t let it out. I wanted to lift his mood because I’m pretty sure I just ruined it. I then noticed my phone buzzing and saw Chris’s name appear. “Sorry,” I give Sebastian an apologetic look before answering.

“Hey I didn’t know if you’d be awake or passed out but I wanted to hear your voice,” his voice was low and I could tell her was probably in bed with the dog, restless.  
“I was just out for a walk with Sebastian,” I said. It was quiet for a moment. Did I lose service? I quickly look at my phone. “ _Chris?_ ”

“ _Oh_ ” the timbre of his voice had change.  
“I’ll call you right back, I’m going to go up now and get ready for bed,” I said quickly.

“Alright Sebastian, thanks for walking me home again,” I got up brushing any concrete dirt I might have on my bottom from the steps.   
“Hey no problem, I can be your personal walker,” he said trying to sound clever.  
“You’re making yourself sound like a dog walker,” I laughed walking towards the front door. “Get home safe, see ya later Seb!”

  
When I got upstairs I wanted to take a quick shower, moisturize my face and slip on one of Chris’s old shirts. Once I laid in bed, I gave Chris a FaceTime call. After several, several, rings I figured he fell asleep. I screen shot a photo of my failed FaceTime call and texted it to him with me even giving a sad face. I placed my phone on my nightstand. I laid in bed tossing and turning for a few minutes unable to fully get comfortable in this bed. I noticed a notification pop up on my screen, I had two new text messages.

One from Sebastian:  
 **Nothing is too wonderful to be true.** ([link](https://youtu.be/uxXO237lWDE))

  
I smile remember when I was telling Sebastian that was my favorite song from Dirty Rotten Scundrels. A true Broadway classic.

  
One from Chris:  
 **Goodnight.**

I laid in bed with a feeling of excitement and disappointment within seconds apart from each other, if that was even possible.

* * *

 

  
Something really bothered me about last night. Why didn’t Chris answer my FaceTime call? I tried to shrug it off all day but I was agitated. Why was it bothering me so much?

I got home earlier than last night. I did my routine. I chugged a bottle of water, showered, and got comfortable ready to pass out. The only text messages I’ve gotten from Chris today were photos of the kids. They went to the park and played. I was beginning to miss them hard. I reached for my phone calling home and Chris picked up. The kids would be in bed by now.

  
“Hey,” I said.  
“Hey,” he answered. A moment of silence passed. “What’s wrong?”  
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” I said, thinking about Chris saying those same exact words to me last night while I was hanging out with Sebastian. I hope that he wasn’t bothered by it.

“I thought you’d be out with Seb,” in a very dry tone that didn’t sound exactly mean but not exactly nice either.  
I sighed. I spoke too soon.  
I shook my head at his words a little confused. What was he trying to get at? I tested my own personal strength of patience. Calming my slight annoyance. “Nope, just home all by myself. Exhausted. Missing the kids, missing you, and the dog. I want to snuggle up next to all of you.”  
“I’m flying to LA tomorrow to promote this movie. I gotta get some sleep…” he trailed off.  
“Okay, goodnight. I love you,” I said letting my heart jump once I said it.  
Another pause. Another freaking moment of silence past before he said it.  
“I love you too.”

He hung up. I laid back on my bed and began kicking in frustration. What was his problem? I couldn’t figure it out because if he had a real problem he would’ve said to me. What was up with him? I wasn't into this sort of passiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to tell you guys so much about the next two chapters but I can't lol


	20. In My Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It didn’t make sense and I know it was all a dream. What was my subconscious telling me? Chris has showed me more than once that he wanted to make this work. To continue being in each others lives so why did I suddenly feel so sad?

Chris was flying from LA this week. It’s been maybe two weeks and in half since we last saw each other. Even though he’d be in town we really wouldn’t be seeing much of each other this week. Since he would be promoting this movie and I would be working. I was asked to show up to the New York premiere but said no cause I had a schedule performance. I could of let my understudy play my part but I still said no and I kind of didn’t care but Chris did. We had a small disagreement about it.

Okay, it was an argument. Maybe it was because I answered his phone call when I just woke up and didn’t have my morning coffee. Or maybe it was because he was already stressed out and in a bad mood. My answer didn’t really make things better. I believe my exact words were, “ _I’m not missing a show so go by yourself!_ ” And then hung up on him feeling so miserable and bad about it. I apologized later saying, “Sorry, I was being mean. I was just hungry.“

Chris laughed at that but I could tell he still wanted me to be there for him and I could of but I made a commitment to this show. I didn’t want to look unprofessional or look like I didn’t care about this production to the producers and cast.

“Are you alright?” I heard Sebastian approach me. I sat in my dressing room in front of the mirror, blankly zoning out. I glanced at Sebastian and then at all my stuff I wanted to bring home. The show was over and everyone usually rushes out of here but I wanted to take my time. I knew Chris would be at the apartment by now.

“Ya gonna catch a Uber home? Wanna share one?” I smiled at his kind gesture and nod my head.  
“Yeah, let me grab my things.” I look at my phone briefly. I told Chris to text me when he got to the apartment. He could of stayed at a hotel paid by the company but decided to stay in this little apartment with me.

When we stopped in front of my building Sebastian asked me one more time if I was okay. I shook it off, telling him, I was too tired and I had a lot on my mind. I came home feeling anxious about what mood Chris would be in. I dreaded the walk up the stairs. When I walked into the apart me, I was surprised to be greeted by his warm hug and a sweet kiss. “I missed you like crazy.”

I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and sense of relief. He missed me too. “Sorry I was being-”  
“Don’t worry it’s just work. We’re together now, we’ll have time after this,” he said holding me tightly. “I’d hate to be that person… but I have to wake up at 4AM because I’m going to be on Good Morning America. I'm going straight to bed.”

I look at him disappointed. I kiss is beard covered chin, looking up at him. “What? You don’t want a little midnight snack?”  
“I’d love a midnight snack,” he smirked confidently. “But it’s already 1AM. I need to look alive tomorrow morning. You’re gonna watch it before you head to the theater, right?”

I gently push his chest teasingly. “ _For you?_ _Anything for you._ ”

Chris had a activity packed week. We would be lucky to run into each other. Good morning America, Jimmy Fallon, Late Night with Seth Meyers, the premiere it’s self. However, I went to sleep relieved. Chris wasn’t mad at me, he missed me, he was his warm self tonight. My mind could rest easy as I was hoping things would finally go back to normal.

* * *

 

I woke up to the Spring sun and my allergies acting up. I quickly walked to the living room and turned on the TV. Remembering that Chris would be on Good Morning America. Sort of silly for me to get excited right? He’s been on that show a million times. I watch everyone be so peppy so early and it honestly made me sick because I will never be a morning person. They asked the whole cast questions and then individual questions. When it came to Chris they asked the basics and I drank my coffee, skimming my phone while I listened. It wasn’t until they mentioned my name that I became interested.

“Chris, you’re in town not only to promote your movie but also see your wife’s play on Broadway?” One of the peppy host asked.  
“Yes,” Chris answered. “Now you’re both actors, does it ever get difficult watching your spouse do some risky scenes with other actors?”   
“We’ve both been acting for a long time. My wife is really understanding,” Chris said.  
“She’s co-starring with fellow Marvel Actor Sebastian Stan. He’s so handsome! You’re not worried?”Another peppy host asked.

I could tell by the look on his face he was trying to hide something. “Well, no,” he said calmly.

 

  
“Sebastian is a long time friend and he’s a really good guy.” I knew Chris would give such a vague answer. Also what are up with these fake ass questions? Before they panned over to the the crowd I could see a different look on Chris faces. Only one that I could understand. I shook it off as maybe he was moody. He had a lot to do this week. I went to work only put it in the back of my mind. I sat backstage ready to leave for break.

“Wanna grab lunch?” I heard Sebastian’s voice as he stood in the door way.  
“Yeah, sure,” I said.

* * *

 

All the times I’ve went out for food with Sebastian we were always surrounded by people we knew. This was the first time we went out one on one. Should I be worried? Coworkers can go out to lunch together right?

“Chris back in town?” Sebastian asked.  
“Yeah, he’s gonna be so busy for the first week,” I said looking over the menu.

We sat through lunch chatting about the weather, boring I know. We talked about how the show was going and Sebastian decided to change it up on me.  
“So you know that girl I was kind of seeing?“  
I looked up interested. He had my attention. “Yeah?”

“You know we had an amazing date the other night, I even went all out. Got her flowers for every single date and then I get this phone call.” He leans close to me. “My publicist said someone close to me was trying to sell to certain online websites information about me,” he said in a low almost quiet voice.

“Don’t tell me…“ My mouth opened in shock but fascination at the betrayal. Sebastian nodded his head with a serious look. “Aw man, she tried to sell a story about you? I’m sorry man,” I said sympathetically.

“This is the worst thing that can happen to me,” he said dramatically. “She sold some information about me already. I really liked her. I have the worst luck.”

Sebastian stared shoving his french fries into his mouth in some sort of hungry frustration. I couldn’t help but be a little amused by his melodrama. I pat the back of his hand reassuring him that, that wasn’t as bad as it could be.

“I’m having the worst year,” he continued.  
“You and me both buddy,“ I said as I began scanning my phone to see if Chris wanted to get late, late, dinner tonight or if he’d be at a thing. I wasn’t going to get my hopes up because I knew he was busy.

“What do you mean?“ Sebastian questioned.  
Damn it. I didn’t mean for him to notice or be receptive to what I say. Most of my male coworkers sort of brush off things like that but not Sebastian.  
“Nothing,” I said, truly not wanting to explain myself. “Are you done? We should head back to the theater.”

As we rode in the back of our shared cab I waited for a reply from Chris. Nothing. _He’s busy_ , I reminded myself. I couldn’t help but feel emotional over it. I know myself, I am an emotional being. Understanding. I kept reminding myself that I would see him soon anyways. We’d have our time together, soon. That night I went to bed alone. I expected Chris was out with his cast and crew celebrating or something. I saw he must of came back to the apartment to change cause his clothes where spread out on a chair.

 

Before I closed my eyes, I read his last text to me which was: **On my way!**

* * *

 

 _Are you okay?_  
_Are you alright?_  
_Wake up!_

I woke up to the lights on, Chris starring at me, my bed sheets everywhere and tears filled my eyes. I had to the most emotionally traumatizing dream that I couldn’t share it with Chris. This was the first time I’ve cried in my dream and actually cried in real life. Chris looked worried. “Are you okay?“  
I start wiping my tears with a tissue from the box next to my bed.

“You were talking in your sleep again and then I heard you crying. Loudly,” he said. His hand pushed my little hairs away from face as he still looked worried for me.  
“It was a bad dream.” I kept dabbing my tears away with the tissue. Chris looked at me as if he waited for me to tell him about dream but all I could say was, “Let’s go back to sleep.”

At first I laid there trying to force myself back to sleep. I didn’t want to think of my dream. It wasn’t really a nightmare or exactly classified as a bad dream but it left me feeling sad. I couldn’t help it. Why was I crying? All I remember was sitting in a cab with Sebastian and I said to him casually, “If I die, make sure to invite Chris to the funeral.“ In my dream, I told Sebastian, it was because no one, not our family or friends talked to him anymore. So then I started crying in my dream and I kept asking Sebastian, _“Why doesn’t he want to be in my life?“_

It didn’t make sense and I know it was all a dream. What was my subconscious telling me? Chris has showed me more than once that he wanted to make this work. To continue being in each others lives so why did I suddenly feel so sad? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've written 20 chapters on this fic! Thank you guys so much for reading and being my motivation to write more. I have a little gift on my page called "Party (Shut Down)" it's a fluff piece where Chris isn't actually being a dick.


	21. Family Feud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody wins when the family feuds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been really busy in real life but I finally found time to post this chapter.The original chapter length was TOO long I had to cut it in half. I’m sorry. :( Thanks for being patient. <333

For the next couple days I began to feel everything. I felt like I was feeling all my fucking feelings. I started seeing another therapist. I was cheating on my therapist with another therapist. After I had that questioning dream I haven’t felt at peace and wanted to talk to someone one on one, someone who didn’t know about Chris. I had found an [app](http://www.talkspace.com/) where I can privately talk to a therapist at my time. I was worried that if I made a phone call around Chris, he would confront me. Probably tell me to tell “our therapist” Cheryl everything. So we can be open about our feelings and I knew he would right. But I wasn’t having that. I wasn’t ready. My dream was something private and oddly precious to me. Until I figure out what it means, no one needs to really know except my new therapist.

I knew I said Chris and I would barely see each other this week but that was an understatement. I didn’t expect him around much. So there was no need to bother him with a text of “did you want to grab lunch?” or “when will you be home?”

There was one night during the week, I was surprised to see he was home before me but that was a rare occasion. The struggles of a Hollyweird relationship become normalized in my life. Is this who I’ve become? Is this what I must be? I knew what I was getting myself into when I put that ring on. Balancing a career and a home life… Another show. Another dollar. Another audience.

 **Wait what am I complaining about?** This was exactly what I wanted maybe not how I wanted it but this is where I wanted to be… At least career wise. I spent my break today calling my mom who was watching our kids. I never really believed in hiring nannies when you have family around. Even though I sort of had one as a child. I was raised by my own parents, who were busy all the time with their own careers. My grandmother and my neighbor/nanny who had a daughter my age. They all had a big hand in raising me as well. I’m grateful to them because it shaped me into being me. I watched everyone in my life. I learned from their different personalities. I had greatly benefited from my experience. Even though I wished my parents were around more as a child, as an adult I understand the sacrifices it takes to take care of your family.

I think I’m starting to feel home sick regardless. Don’t get me wrong, New York is sort of my home still. I just wish everyone was here with me especially the kids. I did have Chris around… _barely_. Damn it. I needed to stop thinking like that. _We are lucky. I’m lucky_ , even if my once optimistic mind had been ruined by betrayal and ignorance. I was never this way before. I am an optimist’s daughter. These hurdles that get thrown in my way are such small struggles compared to the life I lived before the Hollyweird life. Before Chris. Before everything. If I was able to walk away alive from those hard times, can’t I push through this too?

Hell, I’m not exactly mad at Chris anymore. I’m just frustrated! Because I want to move to the place where I’m happy and free but I’m not there yet.

Just yesterday on my break I googled: **“How To Be Patient”**

 

  
**Knock Knock**

 

I saw a man carry a bouquet of red long stem roses into my dressing room. “These are for you miss.” I marveled at their bright beauty. “Thank you so much.”  
He set them down on a corner table. I got up and grabbed the little note card attached to them. The card read: **Google Fat Cats Doing Anything**

 _What the fuck?_ I started dying. I flip the card over to see if the note had anything else on it. The other side of the card said: _My Star Shine, I know you’re having a hard time. Why? I don’t know but you’re my most loveliest co-star anyone could have ask for. Please don’t feel down. Please follow my instructions on the other side of card._ They weren’t from Chris or my agent, manager, publicist or any magazine. They were from Sebastian.

It was kind of obscure and strange. Yet so Sebastian but also hilarious. My smile couldn’t disappear even if I forced it too. I sniffed the fresh flowers, basking in their beauty. Very simple gestures of kindness really can lighten a mood.

“Oh good you got them,” I heard Sebastian say behind me.  
“I just got them. Thank you.” I turned around giving him my most wrinkled face smile and moved back to my chair. Getting comfortable as Sebastian sat in a chair next to me. “Did you read the card?”

  
“Yes,” I chuckled a little, thinking how ridiculous he was.  
“I’m telling you, just google fat cats doing _anything_. It will brighten your day.” He then looked around probably realizing that I might want this time to be by myself and prepare for tonight. He got back up and headed for the door. “See ya on stage, partner!”

* * *

 

The night was going so smoothly. More than smooth, actually. I couldn’t explain it. I was on fire. Sebastian and I were executing these scenes one by one. I felt in total control because I had someone I trusted working besides me. During intermission I returned to my dressing room with another surprise. Chris was sitting on my vanity desk, waiting for me. I threw my arms around him in complete excitement and happiness completely forgetting my horrible dream.

“This is a nice surprise,” I said, planting a warm kiss on to his lips. “I didn’t think I’d be able to make it but here I am,” he was showing me his warmest smile. His presence at the time felt genuine. His arms wrapped around my body and I felt the tickle of his beard against my cheek as he hugged me again. I sat down in front of him, placing my hand on his knee and we caught up with each other during my short break. I had to change my outfit completely but we still chatted. When I was reminded that I had five minutes left by a staff person. He pulled me into a passionate kiss before letting me run off.

Sebastian and I have done this next scene repeatably within the last couples of months but tonight we were really selling it. I was losing myself in our scene. The tears, our passionate kissing scene and I even got to slap him in the face before our characters go off to make love somewhere. Which was suggestive to the audience.

After the show, I returned to my dressing room ready to go home with Chris. He waited for me in there, sitting on the couch in silence as I gathered my things. “You hungry or anything?” He nodded his head, looking tired. He had a busy week too. I grabbed his hand practically pulling him up from the couch. We walked down the hallway to the exit. Chris’s body was practically stiff and his eyes looked tired.

* * *

 

Once we got into out apartment. I ran into the bathroom, showering quickly, putting on my sleeping clothes and when I returned to the living room almost every lamp was on it. I guess Chris wasn't that tired? I saw him sprawled out on the couch, I jumped on the couch next to him as he watched TV. I tried snuggling up next to Chris but he didn’t let me make myself comfortable enough, so after a little nudging, he finally did. I didn’t really pay attention to what he was watching. I grabbed my phone scrolling down my social media outlets and looked through my tags. For once I was more curious and excited about feedback from fans than anxious or scared. I wondered if anyone had anything to say about tonight’s show. I looked at all the fan accounts and sat up when Chris got up to do something in the kitchen. A moment passes before I hear him say, “I don’t really like when he’s around you.” 

“What?” I asked, engaged with my phone. “Who?" I gave it an actual thought. "Sebastian?”  
He came back to the living room with a bottle of water and sat down on a chair across from the couch. “I don’t think you should spend so much time with him.”  
“What’s that suppose to mean?“ I glanced up at him still scrolling through my phone.

  
“I read his note to you. You guys seem awfully close. Every time I call you, you’re with him.” His voice was stern and serious like he was my father or something.  
“We’re friends. He’s your friend too,” I put my phone down. Unsure of what else would come out of his mouth but I was also beginning to feel armored. I didn’t want to be ready but I was for what he was going to say next.  
“I don’t want you to spend so much time with him,” he said adamantly.

“We work together, that’s impossible.“ I was growing irritated and impatient. “I don’t remember ever telling you, you couldn’t hang out with and so and so?”  
I kept my voice steady and I didn’t want to raise it. I didn’t want us to talk over each other if we were going to head towards a fight.

“You guys hang out all the time. He sends you flowers?” But his voice raised and I felt my arm hairs stand up. My defenses were rising up too.

“You really want to fight right now?” I stood up ready to walk away from this mess. I was coming down from my performance high and I didn’t want to deal with this right now.

  
“Don’t walk away from this,” I heard him call after me as he got up too. I couldn’t believe how fast he got me angry. I turned around unable to control my wicked tongue once again. “You think I’m going to fuck him or something? You think I’m _like you_?”

I know it was so low. So below the belt and so wrong. The words that left my mouth weren’t something I’ve said to him before. They were insulting and I regretted them the moment they left my mouth. I couldn’t believe it myself and you think I would of stopped there but I was being set on fire… by him.

 **“Every time, I feel like we’re past this, you gotta fucking say something like that,”** he said, his hands were moving everywhere as he spoke to me.

At this point we were almost screaming at each other and I truthfully was worried about what my neighbors were thinking. I lowered my voice, walking a little closer to him so he could still hear me clearly. “You know I read about this somewhere… It's the cheaters and the liars who always assume they're being cheated on and lied to. It's the shitty people who can't help but project all the shit they've done onto their partner.”

“That’s not what I’m saying!“ Clearly offended, he kept his feet firmly planted on his side of the room.  
“It’s what you’re suggesting Chris!” I felt my cheeks heat up, I threw my hands the air before covering my face with them. Frustrated.  
“It kills me watching you with him. I can see how much he likes you.”

“Oh my god!” I felt like screaming and kicking something but I signed loudly in anger. “Let’s be rational here. We‘re acting. _This is my job._ ”  
“You might be but he’s not,” he said, clearly ready for my response. “You guys are always fucking laughing together, touching each other. Spending a lot of time together. Going out to eat together. You're always together when I'm not around.”

I honestly felt like I was being attacked here for doing nothing wrong. “You don’t think, I don’t freaking hate the thought of you with another woman too? _You know this._ I can’t believe you were ever with **Her**. You spend so much time with other women you work with. Being _friendly_ and _charming_ with them, that can come off a certain way but I never thought it was possible for you to cheat on me but you did it. **But I’m not you!** ” I threw this back at him because he was being unfair. I placed my hand on my chest truly expressing my honest self.

“If you think that’s what I’m going to do, you’re wrong and if you say you trust me but don’t trust him... You’re still wrong cause we’re just friends! Platonic, friends. You have plenty of platonic girl friends. I don't project my jealousy on to you do I?” My words came at him fast. I spoke so fast unable to let him get a word in. “Honestly, I’m so tired.” I glanced at the clock and we had been arguing for what had felt like hours within thirty minutes.

“How could you tell me I’m wrong to not trust him? He’s a man. A man who probably has feelings for you. Also _real_ nice, about throwing that shit back in my face. Like I said, I honestly thought we were past this.”

 

I sat at the small kitchen table, my feet were beginning to feel sore because I was on them all day. I was really needing to chill out, I placed my chin in the palm of my hand as my elbow rested on the table. I found something to stare at and began concentrating on it. I looked at the window, desperately wishing I was a bird so I could fly free out that window. My own coping mechanism since I wouldn't dare look into Chris’s eyes anymore, I’d probably cry like a little bitch.

“ _I forgive you, I really do. In my heart I forgive you but I can’t forget it_ and for you to act this way it’s not helping us move forward. Unless you think moving forward is to wreck everything we built. To think this all could of been avoided. I don’t want to be screaming at you at one o’clock in the morning.” I began to feel the water works form. “I feel so… I feel so… letdown,” I said quietly.

“What do you mean?“ I heard a plead and anger in Chris’s voice but I ignored it.

  
I quickly wiped away my tears, heading towards the bedroom. “Let’s just go to sleep. Please,” I begged.

  
I had to be ready for work tomorrow and he realized this. I had to be on my A game when I performed. I wanted to stop the fighting so I head to bed, shutting off the lights and cover my head with the blankets. I could hear Chris in the living room, shutting off the lights and I thought he’d maybe sleep on the couch but I heard his steps head towards the bedroom. Even though I didn’t watch him lay down next to me, I could tell he had his back to me. We were sleeping back to back with some space between us. I began to cry again wiping my tears away on the covers and my mind wasn’t racing this time. I wasn’t fearing what would come my way tomorrow. I only felt sadness. I began to really sob, trying to silence up my cries and I felt Chris move in bed. He sat up, picking me up, and began cradling my in his arms tightly until after several minutes I was able to calm the tears.

“I hate when we fight,” I said so quietly, I wonder if he’d be able to hear me.  
“Shhhhhh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really like summarizing chapters because I want the readers (you guys) to interrupt my writing in your own way but in this chapter… You can see that the reader is really becoming worn out. She is working like crazy and balancing her neglected personal life. Sometimes when we do this to ourselves our mental health suffers. She was so happy to focus on working because it gave her something constant. It kept her busy enough. But once Chris came back into town, she was confronted with the reminder that her personal life is still not at 100% or not where she wants it to be. Which resulted in some lingering feelings below that she didn’t really allow herself to fully feel. They’re both really flawed.


	22. Pretty When You Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian eyes widen and then he gave me this such a sincere look like he really cared about me. His eyes looked concerned and sorry. Which I really hated. I hated that look when someone feels sorry for you. I felt even more uncomfortable. “Just forget I said anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments! I read all of them.

My worlds were spinning out of control. I couldn’t balance the two correctly since Chris and I had fought a couple of nights ago. I pushed my energy into my work but I was suffering. The days past and I wanted to tell Chris to not come to my performances since he’s been done with work but I couldn’t. It would only make things worse. It would make him more suspicious. I felt emotionally out of control. Finding myself crying at such simple things. I didn’t dare watch anything sad to avoid my own sadness. At least that’s how I was feeling. We always manage to stay civil after a fight. Things aren’t always so great after we argue but I felt a sense of relief even though we had hurt each other. I was able to get something off my chest. Chris suggested going home for the week to see the kids and coming back the following weekend. He still did not want to be apart. I didn’t know if it was because he truly wanted to be with me or if he was worried about Sebastian. I could of reassured him that nothing would happen instead of flying off the handle. Even if I did do that, I still think he’d keep an suspicious eye on me. The time apart might actually help us, clear our minds. I wished it was me who was going home though.

* * *

  
I was beginning to feel more withdraw. Funny because the weather was becoming warmer and beautiful. I even began messing up on such simple things during performances. It was like my mind wasn’t even there sometimes. One night after an exhausting performance due to my own sleep deprivation, Sebastian invited me out for a late night drink. He said 'I looked like I needed it'. We went to go grab a drink but I kept my minimum to one glass of wine. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to drink myself away this time.

“Chris went back home?” I heard him say over the bar’s crowded chatter.  
“Yeah,” I said, staring at my empty glass.  
“Should we go for a walk?“

I got up answering his question and he followed me out. Even though it was warmer during the day time, at night the wind still blew a chill. I shoved my hands into my cardigan pockets as we began walking towards my place, I assumed he would be walking me home. We walked in total silence and it was comforting to me. We stood in front of the steps on my building. He just stared at me with a smile on his face and I knew he knew I was unhappy.

I did something I never thought I’d do. “Do you want to come upstairs for a coffee?”  
I don’t know why I felt so impulsive? I don’t know why I said that so suddenly? We sat in my living room with our hands covering our warm mugs of coffee and I offered Sebastian some cookies I picked up at a bakery nearby. We still didn’t say much. It was the most awkward I’ve ever felt in front of him and I kiss this man a thousand times a day. It wasn’t like we weren’t past being formal coworkers.

He finally broke the silence and asked me in the most kindest tone, “Are you alright?”  
His eyes were on me and my eyes were on my black coffee. I felt a tear fall down my cheek and another one come from the other cheek.  
“You always ask me if I’m alright,” I let out a small laugh, dabbing my tears away with a tissue given to me from Sebastian.  
“Why are you crying?” He asked me concerned this time wondering if he said or done something to make me react this way around him.

 

“Remember when we walked to the carousel and I cried in front of you? You must carry onions in your pockets or something but you always ask me if I’m okay, have you noticed that?” I tried to smile while and took a sip of my coffee.

“Yes, I definitely carry onions with me everywhere. In fact that’s what my cologne smells like,” Sebastian said with a smile. I knew he was trying to make me laugh and he did successfully.

“I’m going through a lot and everyone keeps trying to give me advice about what I should do or what I should of done. You know after all this time, you’re the only person who kept consistently asking me if I was all right. It is as strange as it seems but it comfort me. That’s why I cried, the first time and this time.”

 

“You’re not the first women who cried because of me,” Sebastian said trying to flatter himself. “But you’re the first women who cried because I asked if you were all right.” I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help my little laughter. “But you are the first girl I ever thought was pretty when you cry.”

  
“Listen to you! You’re lying through your teeth. Why are you so corny?” I slapped his wrist and started laughing at his attempt to be cute with me.

“Was it the obvious? Wow I should be embarrassed I just got rejected by a superstar over here.”  
“Oh my god shut up,” My cheeks began to feel a little soreness from smiling. It has been a while since I smiled this hard.

“I asked out this girl recently. She goes to my gym and she said no,“ he started laughing at his own rejection. “She said no right away without any hesitation and said it was because I was an actor.“ He began mocking himself. “I thought being an actor was suppose to get me girls.”

“Wow, see right there. That’s probably why,” I said.  
“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said.  
“You’re being overdramatic Sebastian.”

  
“You’re always so mean to me. Why wouldn’t she want to date me? I’m perfect!” He burst out into laugher that filled my living room with the sound of joy. I was dying. Did he really just…?

“But really I haven’t been having much luck dating as you must of learned by now,” his tone changed. He seemed more bummed about it. He didn’t crack a joke this time and I wanted to make him feel better.  
“Oh come on, _you have eyes_ …. _that women want to do?_ Canon balls into, _right?_ ”

He laughed at my attempt to make him feel better. “Seriously, I’ve been having bad luck. I wonder why… Anyways anything new with you?”  
I sipped my took a sip of my coffee. I loved the taste of black coffee and sugar. Sebastian drank his coffee too but continued to stare at me. I guess it was my turn to share. Let me make it light. Keep it casual. Fun. Light.

“I bought a pair of new shoes yesterday. Interesting right?”  
“Wow that’s it?” He seemed entirely unconvinced.

“Well let’s see, we work together almost everyday and we see each other for like eighteen hours. So I’m sure if I had something to share you’d already know it.” I grabbed a cookie on my coffee table and proceeded devouring it right away.  
“You always deflect you know that?” His question caught me by surprise. Of course I deflect how else would I be able to keep my inner thoughts private?

“Actors do it all the time,” I said.  
“Yeah but we’re not acting right now. We’re friends,’ he smiled while patting my knee which made me feel like I was twelve at my doctors office. Needless to say a little odd and uncomfortable now.

“Mind your business,” I laughed awkwardly.  
“Hey I tell you almost everything, I even told you about the girl who stole my dog,” he protested.  
“Ugh are you going to nag me all night?”

He stared at me for moments without blinking. I would look away and look back at him and he would still be staring. I gave a big sigh and this time when I looked at him he was giving me some sort of adult version of the ‘puppy eyes’. “Geez okay….”

I didn’t know what to say exactly. All I did was work. My personal life is personal. No one outside our family knows what happened except our therapist. Should I trust him?

“Chris cheated on me,” I sighed again. "This past summer."

Sebastian eyes widen and then he gave me this such a sincere look like he really cared about me. His eyes looked concerned and sorry. Which I really hated. I hated that look when someone feels sorry for you. I felt even more uncomfortable. “Just forget I said anything.”

He nodded but then proceed to say, “You don’t have to tell me everything if you don’t want to. I’m sorry.”  
And there it was. The word sorry. How I loathed that word now.

  
“Don’t say you’re sorry, you weren’t the one who cheated on me.” I tried to give him a reassuring look that it was alright.  
“I can’t believe he would do something like that to you. I thought he was _really_ in love with you.”

Sebastian didn’t realize it but his words have hurt me. Because there was nothing untrue about them.

“Chris doesn’t care?”  
“Chris cares. _A lot._ But I think he’s so consumed in his own thoughts and guilt now.”  
“Was it someone he worked with?”  
I nodded and said, “Maybe we should call it a night.”

It wasn’t like my true sadness wasn’t hidden behind the surface of my answers. It wasn’t like I was going to cry as soon as I closed the door and said goodbye to Sebastian. I was tired of burying my sadness and maybe my body couldn’t produce another tear if it wanted to now. I didn’t even realized how much I wanted to detach myself from the problems in my life until now. How happiness is fleeting. How I would rather be emotionally vacant than face Chris and be irrupted by linger hurtful resentment I tried to throw away.

I walked over to the windows in the living room. The dim street lights lightened the dark colored brick building across from mine. The street was empty because it was a family neighborhood. Everyone who lived on this street was probably asleep already but not me. Just then, I heard my phone go off. Who else wasn’t asleep?

 

 


	23. Neu Roses (Transgressor’s Song)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me forever!

“I heard everything must come to an end but I never felt that way about us.” Chris’s voice comes through the phone line and I wonder what posses him to call me on the same night I had invited Sebastian over. How did he know? Did he have this place wire tapped? It was way too late for me. After five minutes of re-reading his text message and typing something only to delete it again, he called me. He had gotten impatient with my slow reply. All I said was, “Hey.”

I had nothing I felt I had to say, I was too exhausted. I wanted to stay quiet and just listen. I laid on the mattress as silence came through our phone call. I looked at the seconds passing by effortlessly and then I heard him sigh. “I’m sorry.”

My eyes start to drift.  
“Are you still there?” I heard him say on the other end of the line.  
“Mmm,” was all I let out, blinking my eyes in a sleepy daze.  
“Wow, are you still mad still?” I heard him clearly and I was drifting to sleep but the uncomfortable position I was in hurt my neck and I woke up.  
“No. I’m- I’m falling asleep. I’ll talk to you later.”

* * *

 

I woke up and felt a scratch in my throat. Seasonal allergies were approaching. My least favorite time! I did my morning routine of rushing through out the apartment because the more I’ve been doing these shows, the more I had a hard time getting out of bed because I was so tired. I rushed into Starbucks grabbing a hot herbal tea because the scratch in my throat was really irritating me. During my breaks I would check my phone and see pictures of the kids with Chris. They were either headed towards the park, running errands, or making cookies in the kitchen and I suddenly felt a strange emptiness. It was small and not entirely whole but it was still empty space. It had become harder not seeing my familiar comfy family but I knew I had to provide for my family. I knew what I was signing up for and in each photo sent to me; I saw all three of their smiling faces. The emptiness moved out of my mind.

Today my energy was running on low like five percent energy. I really kept to myself, reserving my energy for the performances. I felt strange and unwell. I couldn’t wait for the night to be over, I didn’t even say ‘bye’ to the cast before leaving. I stopped at a corner bodega on my street to grab cough & flu medicine, cough drops, tissues and three giant powerades. I wasn’t trying to get sick, I have responsibilities, ya know?! Maybe I could stop it before it came. I took a shot of that god awful medicine and fell asleep.

When that early morning 6AM alarm went off, I knew I was done for. I could automatically became conscious of how awful I felt. I struggled to the kitchen to take another shot of medicine and I knew I had to make that phone call. I dreaded missing a day of work but I didn’t care at that moment because there was no way I’m leaving my bed today.

“Hey Patricia,“ I said trying to sound as innocent as possible. It’s not my fault I got sick, New York is unpredictable when it came to catching things. “It’s my understudy’s lucky day.”

I then texted Chris saying: I’m sick.  
Which meant, ‘Hello husband, I’m sick and won’t be answering any of your calls or texts but don’t think I’m cheating on you too.’

Another shot of medicine and I was out like a light.

* * *

When I finally awoke, I still felt awful I looked at the time on my phone and it was 1:30PM. I’ve basically been asleep since 12AM last night? I count the hours on my hand. That’s basically thirteen hours I’ve been asleep for. I bat my eyes trying to get adjusted to the blaring sunlight coming into the room. I heard the sound of the obnoxious buzzing from my door. I rushed to get up to stop the blaring noise. My hair a frizzy mess, my eyes barely able to open fully.

“Hello?”  
“Hello it’s Daniel, your postmate is here.”  
“What?”  
“I have a postmate delivery to Sebastian at this address.“  
“ _Okay_ …” I buzzed him in unsure of what the hell was going on. When he arrived at my door, I must of looked like the epitome of the ugliest sick person.

“I have your food,” he looked over the note quickly when he realized he might of had the wrong person. “I’m sorry it’s not for Sebastian but it says from Sebastian.”  
“Uh do you need a tip?” I began looking around behind me for my purse.  
“No all taken care of! Have a nice day ma’am.“

Usually under any circumstances being called ‘ma’am’ would have irritated me. No matter how old you are, no woman wants to be called ma’am but I was too sick to even care. I placed the food down on my kitchen table. There was a couple soups and a bottles of orange juice. Did he say Sebastian ordered this for me? I looked at the clock it was 11AM and I was not hungry at all. I grabbed a blue powerade, sent a ‘Thank you Sebastian!’ text and plopped on my bed. I turned on the T.V. and got in the most comfortable position. As I was scrolling through my phone I noticed a couple miss calls from Chris and a few unread text messages from him.

 **One said:** You okay?  
**Another said:** Do you need anything?

Not as if he could get it for me, he was still at home in Massachusetts.  
**All I could manage to text back was:** Still sick. Going back to bed.  
**He replied quickly:** Do you need food? You want me to call someone?  
**To then I replied:** It’s okay, Sebastian sent me food.

I decided to try to get some more liquids in chugging a cup of soup from Sebastian. The struggle of taking care of yourself as an adult woman on your own was something I knew how to do. Did I like it? No. Do I still wish my mom could take care of me? Yeah. Who doesn’t? Don’t you feel like a helpless baby when you get sick? I know I sound immature and dramatic but have you ever been so god damn sick you felt unable to take care of yourself? I felt like a desperate adult baby who didn’t want to leave the bed and didn’t have the appetite for anything. I should of had a live-in personal assistant like Chris told me to but I didn’t want him to worry. I probably have a cold, which I always get every year around this time.

Pathetically, I was only awake for three hours before falling back to sleep. A couple hours later, I awoke to the sound of noise in my kitchen. At first, I thought it was a mouse but then I heard food steps and I jumped to my feet quickly to check it out right away. When I reached kitchen, I recognized the back of that scruffy head. I blinked a few times just to make sure it was him. When he turned around, he jumped. “Chris?”

I stared at him as he placed a handful of grocery bags on the counter. “What are you doing here?”  
“Well someone needs to take care of you. You get like sad helpless baby when you’re sick.“

I couldn’t control my compulsion to hug Chris. I crumbled against his lean body. I was comforted by his presence despite all the fighting that happened the last time he was here. At the corner of my eye I saw a pack of blue powerade the only color I would drink when I was sick. “You drove all the way down here? With food?“  
“Why do you always think about food? Anyways, mom has the kids,“ he said with his signature warm smile he knew I'd be worried about them. He began moving around me, then grabbing my arms and steering me to sit down at the kitchen table out of his way.

“I drove up this afternoon, I figured after my fourth missed call that you must be really sick. You didn’t even go to work.” He shook his head, placing a hot mug of tea in front of me. “That’s so unlike you.”

We spent what was left of the day snuggled up in bed with the T.V on. I envied Chris. He never got sick even if I smothered him with my sickness. As I watched him sleep next to me, I decided to check my phone. I only had a few messages worth looking at. I got a ‘ur welcome!’ from Sebastian which I then replied with a smiley emoji.

30 minutes pass and I get another text message from Sebastian. This time it was a bit cryptic.

 

_My mind is filled with dreams of you._

 

Uh was this suppose to be sent to me? I threw my phone at my feet. I felt like I was blushing, my face began to burn. God I hope he met to send this to someone else, I grab my phone from where I threw it.  
**I replied with:** I think you sent this to the wrong person.  
**To which he replied automatically:** No.

My medicine filled mind began to race. Sebastian was so kind and sweet. I couldn’t deny that but I loved Chris. I couldn’t even imagine a life with Sebastian what would we do? Live in New York, do Broadway shows anyway from Boston? Away from my kids? See, it’s ridiculous. _It’s ridiculous!_ A grand delusion of possibilities. I look at Chris sleeping soundly next to me. I should of left Chris before he hurt me. Were there any signs I missed? What about our kids? They would of never existed if we didn’t take the steps we took. I love them. I love our family. The world can be cruel cold place, there is no need for us to keeping hurting each other more. When all I want is to be kept safely tucked under his arm. All the friends in the world like Sebastian couldn’t hold me tight when I’m sleeping in my bed at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know not a lot has happened in the chapter but I feel like so much has already happened in her life. Problems keep coming up left and right. ANYWAYS, a little update. I posted TWO new series and it is very different from Sandcastles. So if you’re interested, just look for it on my page.


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